How you got love

How we interact

We all have patterns of behavior. Our childhood experiences helped create our patterns. With each experience and the result of that experience, we’d make a decision about us and who we are in the world. For example, if a child discovers that good grades get special attention and love from his parents, he might develop the belief that he has to over-achieve to get love. Study and excelling in school might well become his pattern.

Understanding these patterns may give an adult more options for interacting with those around him. A more detailed explanation of how these decisions become beliefs for each of us is available in the post Life Cycle of Decisions

Image by Pexels (Pixabay)

Understanding your decisions

If you can discover some of your patterns, you can decide if they are still appropriate for you as an adult. If the pattern is no longer needed, you can decide to replace it or let it go and retrain yourself to react in new ways to experiences you encounter. It often takes some re-training because, for the most part, your unconscious is the part of your brain reacting. It has been conditioned over a lifetime so it can take a while to re-train.

Some decisions are still beneficial for you and so you’d want to keep them. This is where the awareness comes in. Bringing these unconscious patterns to consciousness gives you the opportunity to be more in charge of how and when you will utilize these beliefs.

Here’s an exercise to try

Try this simplified exercise:

Answer this question - “How did you get love as a child?” Think back to times when you got lavished with hugs and praise from someone important to you.

• were you the good one among your brother and sisters? Cleaning your room without being asked, maybe helping in the kitchen, possibly policing your siblings to keep the peace for the parent you especially wanted the positive response from,

• were you demanding? Being louder than everyone else to gain attention or pouting until someone noticed your unhappiness and gave you extra attention to cheer you up.

• were you sickly? Having illnesses would encourage your caretaker to give you extra attention and love because of your sickness. You’d also have fewer expectations because your health was the top priority.

There are unlimited options to answer the question “How did you get love as a child?” Think about it for a moment. You may want to write it down. Some people have different techniques for different caretakers. For dad, you might have been the good one but for mother you have been the little helper.

Exercise part 2: Once you are clear how you got love as a child, now answer this question:

How do you get love today? Again you may want to write it down.

Begin to look for your patterns

Armed with your answers from the exercise above, you can begin to look for correlations between how you got love as a child and how you get love now as an adult. Noticing similar results. Many of us do.

Maybe you realized you gave up on getting love (maybe you had a missing parent or your parents were abusive). Unfortunately negative patterns are developed as well. Even these negative patterns can be turned around and you can consciously work on changing this perception in your adult life. Again awareness is the key - you can’t change a pattern until you are aware of it.

Changing your patterns

Now that you have the information on your patterns you can begin to shift them to habits more useful to your life today. There is some trial and error involved and you will slip back into your old patterns sometimes but give yourself some room for mistakes and slips and congratulate yourself on successes when they occur.

I remember a Seinfeld episode when George was having such lousy luck in his life that it finally occurred to him if he always screwed it up why not try doing the opposite of what he would normally do.

With that in mind, one of your tactics may be to do the opposite (or nearly so) of what you would normally do. Go out on that date that you are hesitant to try. Apply for the job that you think is beyond you. Handle that argument with your significant other in a different way than you normally would. Instead of escalating the argument with accusations or name-calling, stop and speak in “I” statements. Let the emotion dissipate and take responsibility by saying “I thought you said” or “I’m sorry I forgot to tell you” or “this was my fault because I”. This opens the way for new solutions to solve the conflicts between you.

To sum it up

The more often you can become aware of your patterns, you become more comfortable changing them when they are not serving you. Try being more true to your current adult self instead of following patterns you thought you had to in order to get the love you wanted as a child.

Want a little more help working through these patterns? Contact Swies Life Coach for a discovery appointment

Should you hire a Certified Couples Coach?

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Considering hiring a relationship coach?

How’s your relationship? Are you fighting all the time? Thinking of leaving him? Found out she had an affair? Not sure you can make a lifelong commitment? You’re in love but the marriage has stalled? Your mother, brother or best friend say dump ‘em but you’re not sure you want to end it? Consider a certified relationship coach to help you untangle the issues and teach you how to repair the relationship.

At Swies Life Coaching, we focus on building strong, loving relationships - all kinds of relationships.

What’s a “relationship” life coach?

A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and work through tough times. Whether your goal is to repair and improve the relationship or to ease the transition while you both go new directions, a coach can facilitate the process and help each of you heal and move on with considerably less baggage.

So what does a great relationship coach do?

• Help you identify your desired outcome

• Listen and empathize

• Assist you in understanding how you got to this place

• Facilitate the healing process

• Encourage you to focus on your next step.

“A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and facilitate healing and transitions.”

In turn the client should

• Stay curious

• Set aside blame and opt for finding new ground

• Focus on healing self and learning more about who they are

• Be willing to come to the table for open and honest dialogue

• Be self-reflective with a vision of their goal for the relationship.

If your goal is to get the coach to side with you or “to win” or if revenge is your highest priority, you’re likely to be disappointed with your experience of working with a relationship coach. And, more importantly, you may be likely to repeat the patterns that got you into that unsatisfying relationship in the first place. To paraphrase, if you don’t understand your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.

“A great life coach is empathetic yet neutral and encourages the client to find their own answers.”

Maybe you’re not in a relationship currently but would like to understand yourself better, move beyond past hurts, gain a clearer perspective about your goals and vision for the future. A life coach can assist you to heal the past, enjoy the present and see future clarity.

OK, so a relationship coach is sounding pretty good to you. Now how do you go about finding one?

Location:

Decide if geographic location is important to you. If face-to-face sessions are a priority to you, obviously you’ll center your search around nearby coaches but include traffic and travel time into your choice. While there are certainly advantages to being able to see a coach in your neighborhood, I advise you to not make location your top priority. Our clientele overwhelmingly choose online sessions and we have clients from all over the country. Zoom provides an excellent experience without the stress of roundtrip traveling, parking, time from work, babysitting, etc. Most coaches (as we do) can accommodate the choice of the client. Online sessions also allow us to see our clients from all over the country,

Gender:

Again this is personal preference and you will need to decide how important it is in your decision. I caution you to consider your choices. Choosing the opposite sex may give you an entirely different perspective. I know Skip is one of the safest men that women could possibly choose (my personal bias is noted) but it is critical whenever a client is dealing with trauma that they feel safe. Keep an open mind about who you choose but most coaches offer some kind or get acquainted session and you take advantage of that. Trust your intuition about the coach. Sometimes you may need to meet with several coaches before making your choice. Bottom line is if gender/sexual orientation is important, by all means, make it a requirement for your short list.

Style:

I don’t mean fashion sense but the style they choose to interact with their clients. Coaches can be highly interactive, action-oriented, empathetic listeners. You might not realize how important this can be but consider “Sally” who grew up in a big family and may have had trouble “being heard”. It probably wouldn’t serve Sally to be with a headstrong talker - big on advice. Focus on a coach whose style will not fight yours and will allow you to internalize the feedback so you can move toward a positive result.

Certification:

A coach should be certified as a coach but might not have a license (like a social worker or psychiatrist). Experience is also important although new coaches in a partnership can suffice. Their bio should include enough info to determine whether they be on the short list.

Most coaches provide free/low-cost phone or in-person sessions so you can assess your compatibility. Ask questions. Will the coach see couples individually as well as together? Are sessions in-person or zoom or combination? Does the coach focus on feedback or just listens? In return your coach will likely be asking about the nature of your relationship concerns and what outcome you are hoping to achieve. Depending on how this initial visit feels to you, you can schedule more appointments, consider other coaches, or think about it for a few days.

A life coach can be an empathetic, independent confidant that can help couples get through hard times and develop new skills to make their relationship stronger or to assist the individuals in separating and moving on in a supportive, positive manner.

Want to know more about us?

Ready to set up a discovery appointment?

Recommended reading:

This is a practical guide to discovering the secrets of a great marriage. It has helpful ideas and exercises to gain a better understanding of each other’s needs. The Fergusons are directors of Intimate Life Christian Ministries.

Have questions or comments about hiring a life coach?

Letting Go of that Grudge - a Personal Story

A grudge is a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past injury or insult. And boy, do I know how to hang on to them.

The invisible condition called a grudge afflicts many of us at one time or another throughout our life. It ruins friendships, tears apart families, corrupts our self-image and messes with our careers and livelihoods.

“A grudge...is like revenge turned inward.”

— Marj Swies

There’s not much that can ruin your mood and your day easier than the feeling you’ve been wronged by someone either physically, emotionally or mentally. Someone has invaded your space or property and unjustly caused you pain. And often with no hint of remorse or apology, let alone any effort to make it right.

Holding a grudge often makes you feel you are doing something about it when, of course, you are doing nothing at all except maybe the holding onto it part.

Unsplash image by Anthony Tran

Why We Hold onto Grudges

We maintain grudges because we think they benefit us. Grudges keep us from having to take personal responsibility since it was the other person who wronged us. But there are costs to not letting go. We often become

• reluctant to attempt new relationships

• hesitant to trust others

• miss out on the personal lessons we can learn

• sometimes depression/anxiety set in as a result of being a victim of a wrong-doer

Why do We Settle on Keeping the Grudge Alive?

Often we opt for a grudge when we don’t feel we have the strength - mental or physical - for a confrontation. Sometimes we don’t know who wronged us and so all we think we have left is a grudge against the unknown assailant. In some cases, it’s like revenge turned inward. And if you can’t find the rightful person to blame, you blame yourself.

Look, when someone has been wronged, it isn’t always easy for them to confront the perpetrator. When the victim can’t face their wrong-doer, the offense can become generalized.

If you have a beef with your boss and can’t say anything for fear of losing your job, all bosses or “the man” or even any person of authority may now become a target for your disdain. You feel powerless to defend yourself or confront the wrong-doer. That seething feeling of helplessness gets under your skin and a grudge is born.

Sometimes you don’t even know the perpetrator. Maybe someone dinged your car while you were in the store or maybe you were mugged or assaulted. You can generalize all those feelings into a grudge.

OK, so what do I do now?

You realize you are carrying a grudge. You see that it has a deep effect on your well-being and your general outlook on life. But you were unjustly hurt and the wrong-doer has never confessed or been held to account for their actions. Then why should I make the first move?

The answer to that question is easy. Letting go of a grudge is for you and you alone. Letting go has nothing to do with the wrong-doer and everything to do with your state of mind and well-being.

So here is my story.

I recently became aware of the toll a very old grudge was costing me. While the details are private, suffice it to say I had come to hate a man who had wronged me in business a very long time ago. And while I had dealt with many of the issues around this event, I realized I still held this experience to be one of the most significant negative experiences in my life. I noticed I would very quickly (like immediately) get plugged in whenever I thought about the person so I decided to re-examine the event and see what opportunities might still be there.

I remember the circumstances of the experience and asked myself, “what was my part in the experience? Did I do something that contributed to it?”

Now that question is for learning. It is not meant to take the blame for what happened or let the perpetrator off the hook. However I can’t learn from his bad judgement. I can only learn from my mistakes.

My knee-jerk reaction to the question was that I had nothing to do with it. I was the victim after all. So if I assume that there were things I could have done differently, I may learn something. I recalled the experience and realized there were several actions (and 1 non-action) that had an impact on the event and had I handled them when they happened, the outcome may have been different. LEARNING EXPERIENCE! Now I know I will never put myself in a similar circumstance without making crystal clear agreements, repeating communications to ensure everyone is on the same page and identifying the desired outcome.

I make this sound like a drive-thru lunch. It can be hard. It was hard for me. But holding a grudge for years was also hard for me. I offer this solution as a starting place. Use the information as a guideline not a roadmap.

Forgiveness - the Big One!

Most of us equate forgiveness with letting a guilty person off without punishment. That was how I felt. But it is actually an exercise for the forgiver not the wrong-doer. I realized that man was the only person involved that I had not released via forgiveness. And although I know him, I chose not to speak personally to him since face-to-face is not essential unless you feel a strong urge to do so.

I did forgive him and when I let go (some cathartic anger and a few tears were involved) I also released the hold this experience - this man - had over me. I took back that piece of control of my life that I had tied up in that grudge. I let go of that emotional burden and felt a relaxation in my shoulders and back that I can’t remember having felt for a very long time. I feel free of that grudge and it feels very good.

Lessons put into Action

I now voice my concerns when I have them (not days or weeks later) and make sure agreements are clear before I say yes to them.

I also ask for what I want. Assuming others will figure out what I need and magically give it to me, was a long shot at best.

Letting go has given me a new lease on life and way more control over it.

Let go of yours!

Want some help letting go of your grudges (or any other obstacle to your joy)? Make an appointment for some coaching, we’ll be honored to help.

Five Best Ways: Reboot your Relationship

Don’t give up on a relationship when you only need to re-establish the connection

So your relationship is going okay. Maybe you’ve been together for several years, maybe a decade or more. Occasionally, you begin to think you are operating your relationship on automatic. Good morning-breakfast-work-dinner-good night hon-repeat.

Well if you’re looking for a quick fix, I’ve got some ideas on the 5 BEST Ways to Reboot your Relationship!

Unsplash image by Kelly Sikkema

1.Be on the Same Page

To break out of the “relationship on automatic loop”, I suggest you start by making sure you are on the same page.

Set aside a morning for a little walk then stop for some coffee and muffin at the cafe. While you’re enjoying the moment, put down the cells and focus your discussion on your future together. What each of you are dreaming for your lives individually and what you’d like to see for your relationship. (I would hope that this is a discussion you have had to some extent before or there may be big surprises.) And while you’re envisioning your life, get creative about how to blend your dreams and how to best support each other. It may require new ideas you haven’t thought of yet. New places to live, new ideas about how to reach your dreams and maybe even new dreams. Embrace the process and the negotiation and don’t expect to have your whole relationship planned out by the time you’re ready for a refill.

The point is forward-thinking together, not on automatic.

Once the vision is complete - move to Tuscany, start a small business, buy a house - then the process becomes setting up goals and processes to get you there. Being on the same page will be essential to success. Bingo Reboot!

2.Communication

Take time to practice effective ways to ask for what you want and express your concerns. Calmly stating your wants because you are to have wants is important. These are wants not demands remember and not said for the purpose of assuming it’s someone else's responsibility to get your needs met. But you can ask for help, support, feedback, advise to help you get what you want.

On the other side, it’s a great time to reinforce listening skills - empathetic listening and reflective listening - which are techniques to make sure you’re listening to understand and acknowledge the other. A revitalized relationship needs attention on both speaking and listening skills.

(Conflict resolution is also an important part of communication. Skills in this area will be covered in a separate post.)

Our listening skills have suffered as technology takes over more of our world. Put the cell down and really listen. Repeat back what your partner has said for accuracy (also gives your partner a chance to make sure they communicated correctly) and communicate what you believe to be the emotions or the meaning of their words. This is not an opportunity for you to defend, “You should have known I didn’t…” but that you actually understand what the other is trying to communicate. Boom reboot!

3.Date Night Reinvented

Arrange for social time together even if you have to schedule it. Covid kinda put a hold on date nights (or were they gone before that?) but I think it’s time they make a comeback. Set aside the phones (sense a pattern here?) and go to dinner one week, a movie/play the next, a weekend walk along a nice forest trail, sitting on the shore, whatever. Spend times with no distraction to enjoy each other, celebrate the week’s successes, plan next week.

Take turns participating in each other’s preferred activities. Compromise when necessary. Find new activities that can evolve into new experiences for you both. Bring it on Reboot!

4.Increase your Time Together at Home

Do you often spend time at opposite ends of the house? Do you feel more like roommates than a couple? Those two things are likely related. I’m not suggesting you should be joined at the hip and having separate interests (and friends) is completely healthy but make sure it’s not at the exclusion of your time together.

Our favorite is charcuterie night. Easy prep, super simple way to share a dinner then sit on the deck or in the den - just us celebrating us!

You can use this time to check on the progress of the visions from #1 topic of this blog. Talk about whatever comes to mind, enjoy some streaming and celebrate your love. Hooray Reboot!

5.Develop Common Interests

Find ways to be together and be of service at the same time. Helping others is one of the most powerful ways to be more aware of what you have and the feel-good power of service. Find a way to express your love for each other out in the world.

• volunteer at an animal shelter

• join a team clearing and maintaining trails at a park

• plant trees

• work for a food pantry

• post positive relationship memes

• start a relationship support group

Make ripples. Spread the love. It will keep the light shining on yours!

Any one of these ideas will make a difference. All 5 steps will quickly Reboot your Relationship!

Want a little help to jumpstart your reboot? Make an appointment with us. We’d love to work with you!