Letting Go of that Grudge - a Personal Story
A grudge is a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past injury or insult. And boy, do I know how to hang on to them.
The invisible condition called a grudge afflicts many of us at one time or another throughout our life. It ruins friendships, tears apart families, corrupts our self-image and messes with our careers and livelihoods.
“A grudge...is like revenge turned inward.”
There’s not much that can ruin your mood and your day easier than the feeling you’ve been wronged by someone either physically, emotionally or mentally. Someone has invaded your space or property and unjustly caused you pain. And often with no hint of remorse or apology, let alone any effort to make it right.
Holding a grudge often makes you feel you are doing something about it when, of course, you are doing nothing at all except maybe the holding onto it part.
Unsplash image by Anthony Tran
Why We Hold onto Grudges
We maintain grudges because we think they benefit us. Grudges keep us from having to take personal responsibility since it was the other person who wronged us. But there are costs to not letting go. We often become
reluctant to attempt new relationships
hesitant to trust others
miss out on the personal lessons we can learn
sometimes depression/anxiety set in as a result of being a victim of a wrong-doer
Why do We Settle on Keeping the Grudge Alive?
Often we opt for a grudge when we don’t feel we have the strength - mental or physical - for a confrontation. Sometimes we don’t know who wronged us and so all we think we have left is a grudge against the unknown assailant. In some cases, it’s like revenge turned inward. And if you can’t find the rightful person to blame, you blame yourself.
Look, when someone has been wronged, it isn’t always easy for them to confront the perpetrator. When the victim can’t face their wrong-doer, the offense can become generalized.
If you have a beef with your boss and can’t say anything for fear of losing your job, all bosses or “the man” or even any person of authority may now become a target for your disdain. You feel powerless to defend yourself or confront the wrong-doer. That seething feeling of helplessness gets under your skin and a grudge is born.
Sometimes you don’t even know the perpetrator. Maybe someone dinged your car while you were in the store or maybe you were mugged or assaulted. You can generalize all those feelings into a grudge.
OK, so what do I do now?
You realize you are carrying a grudge. You see that it has a deep effect on your well-being and your general outlook on life. But you were unjustly hurt and the wrong-doer has never confessed or been held to account for their actions. Then why should I make the first move?
The answer to that question is easy. Letting go of a grudge is for you and you alone. Letting go has nothing to do with the wrong-doer and everything to do with your state of mind and well-being.
So here is my story.
I recently became aware of the toll a very old grudge was costing me. While the details are private, suffice it to say I had come to hate a man who had wronged me in business a very long time ago. And while I had dealt with many of the issues around this event, I realized I still held this experience to be one of the most significant negative experiences in my life. I noticed I would very quickly (like immediately) get plugged in whenever I thought about the person so I decided to re-examine the event and see what opportunities might still be there.
I remember the circumstances of the experience and asked myself, “what was my part in the experience? Did I do something that contributed to it?”
Now that question is for learning. It is not meant to take the blame for what happened or let the perpetrator off the hook. However I can’t learn from his bad judgement. I can only learn from my mistakes.
My knee-jerk reaction to the question was that I had nothing to do with it. I was the victim after all. So if I assume that there were things I could have done differently, I may learn something. I recalled the experience and realized there were several actions (and 1 non-action) that had an impact on the event and had I handled them when they happened, the outcome may have been different. LEARNING EXPERIENCE! Now I know I will never put myself in a similar circumstance without making crystal clear agreements, repeating communications to ensure everyone is on the same page and identifying the desired outcome.
I make this sound like a drive-thru lunch. It can be hard. It was hard for me. But holding a grudge for years was also hard for me. I offer this solution as a starting place. Use the information as a guideline not a roadmap.
Forgiveness - the Big One!
Most of us equate forgiveness with letting a guilty person off without punishment. That was how I felt. But it is actually an exercise for the forgiver not the wrong-doer. I realized that man was the only person involved that I had not released via forgiveness. And although I know him, I chose not to speak personally to him since face-to-face is not essential unless you feel a strong urge to do so.
I did forgive him and when I let go (some cathartic anger and a few tears were involved) I also released the hold this experience - this man - had over me. I took back that piece of control of my life that I had tied up in that grudge. I let go of that emotional burden and felt a relaxation in my shoulders and back that I can’t remember having felt for a very long time. I feel free of that grudge and it feels very good.
Lessons put into Action
I now voice my concerns when I have them (not days or weeks later) and make sure agreements are clear before I say yes to them.
I also ask for what I want. Assuming others will figure out what I need and magically give it to me, was a long shot at best.
Letting go has given me a new lease on life and way more control over it.
Let go of yours!
Want some help letting go of your grudges (or any other obstacle to your joy)? Make an appointment for some coaching, we’ll be honored to help.