Wanna know what keeps them stuck?

or How the Personal Growth Movement helped build stronger, more loving relationships

The Personal Growth Movement (PGM), which included experiences such as EST and Fire Walks, was born out of the counter-culture of the 1960s and 1970s. Concepts of personal responsibility, life mastery and creating more joy in life were foundational to the movement.

Skip and I were children of those times and by the early 80s, we were certified instructors of personal growth weekends. Over the next 40+ year, we have taught thousands of people in weekend seminars and coached hundreds as individuals and couples across the country.

Unsplash photo by Wes Lewis

So what about the phrase “Want to know what keeps them stuck?” This simple phrase has been an integral part of most of the weekends we have taught and is just as important in our coaching sessions. The work “stuck” implies being mired in a moment of time or unable to move forward. And that is exactly the emotional description of what happens to a person who is unable to move past negative events in their lives. Trauma, confusing or negative experiences, even incorrectly assessed memories can put a person into a psychic loop that prevents them from moving forward with new relationships and events. It’s sorta like coming home from a bad vacation and continuing to drag your suitcases around behind you forever. When we are stuck with all that baggage, there is little hope to can define new experiences in their own context and make appropriate decisions for the current situation.

From a free-verse poem by Bill Riedler and Kath Kvols, the “keeps them stuck” phrase describes that point in anyone’s life when they become unable to move forward from a perceived role or unhappy life, stuck in protecting oneself from perceived pain or humiliation or, for many, simply stuck in the past.

“When we are stuck with all that baggage, there is little hope to can define new experiences in their own context and make appropriate decisions for the current situation.”

It means that when some of us are faced with a new experience or decision that we perceive as similar to a painful, sad or humiliating memory from our childhood or early adulthood, we get “stuck” in that memory and mistakenly think the same outcome is inevitable. What we decided back then about ourself and our place in the world must also apply to this current situation - whether it’s appropriate or not. That’s the psychic loop. Being stuck can prevent you from analyzing the current situation to decide the best course of action and instead subconsciously we say “Oh I know this one! This is just like when I was 5.”

For example, what if as a child, a child’s pet died or ran away. It would be reasonable to think that the child may have decided not to love anything so much because it might go away.

Now fast forward to adulthood and this belief that loved ones will go away may cause the adult to leave relationships before a deep commitment is made or may even avoid relationships altogether. This, of course, is a very simplistic description of the very involved state of human emotion but we all experience this concept as we grow up.

Often people do what they know even if it is not in their long-term best interest. For adults, it can be difficult to break out of this cycle or even realize they carry beliefs that are detrimental to their own happiness. They’re STUCK.

Unsplash photo by Anthony Tran

Some of our clients experiencing these self-limiting beliefs and we assist them in becoming aware so they can change the expectation, if they choose, that negatively impacts their happiness. It’s not about getting rid of these beliefs, it’s about being in charge, being aware and being in the moment when deciding how to react.

Beliefs have a very important role in our lives. They can protect us from harm. They must be managed though and not in charge. You can’t manage your beliefs and expectations if you don’t realize you have them.

I often tell our weekend seminar participants that this experience is like cleaning out your closet. “We’ll take everything out of the closet, decide what you don’t like anymore, figure out which things don’t fit any longer then you can keep whatever you want and add some new stuff if you want and there you go - beliefs and expectations that fit you as you are now in THIS moment.

Even with a new awareness of your beliefs, there is a process of unlearning and retraining your brain to analyze each new experience and not jump back into old habits. It takes practice and self-acceptance.

Here’s a personal example: I have lovingly been described as a very resistant, stubborn person (me?). It comes from a childhood with a very controlling mother. I grew up learning to resist every decision she made for my “own good”. Once I became aware that this was a filter for many of my life experiences, I slowly learned to be more aware of whether I was making decisions in my own best interest or merely against her. Although I aim at the former it doesn’t mean I don’t end up with the latter. Skip just gives me that “you’re resisting” look and a pause and smile while I make sure it’s the right decision at the right moment for me and no one else.

“What decisions, beliefs and expectations are any of us carrying from our early years that are negative, erroneous, or non-productive and getting in our way now?”

A client of ours years ago, explained her childhood. Elizabeth had grown up experiencing horrible physical abuse. It was a miracle she survived at all. Parents were alcoholics and Elizabeth often had to “parent” the drunk parents, clean house and feed her younger brothers while trying not to set off the violent moods of her parents in order to protect her siblings from the abuse.

She learned early to be constantly on edge and anticipating the worst that could be around every corner. She carried that forward into her adult life until she told us about it during a session and realized the beliefs she had developed and the expectation she carried about even the simplest things in her life. “If I don’t have a crisis to deal with constantly, I don’t know how to live my life!”

With some help, she learned how to stay in the moment when dealing with day to day activities. Instead of anticipating everything as a crisis, she slowly began to focus on all the normal and the positive going on in her life and how to handle the negative crisis from a slightly detached point of view if and when the crisis occurs. What a shift! She actually enjoys getting out of bed most days.

Being stuck is simply a state of mind. We can change it whenever we want. Sometimes it just takes a coach with a loving, patient smile that tells you that you’re being resistant or sad or guilty or whatever and says, ”Would you like to let go of that?” Can anything be more freeing?

Ready to let go of your self-limiting beliefs? Call/text for a FREE 30 MINUTE DISCOVERY APPOINTMENT 512-589-3422 or email swieslifecoach@gmail.com

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Healing Warrior Hearts

The Milwaukee-based Healing Warrior Hearts organization guides our wounded military veterans to a new place that heals and strengthens their hearts. Whether their wounds are physical, mental or spiritual, the gathering of a supportive community, unconditional love and the absence of judgment create the safety required for healing to occur.

Veterans will experience support from fellow veterans as well as civilians who are committed to providing the safety and space needed to complete their work and begin their healing. The vets tell their stories to compassionate staff and fellow participants knowing there is compassion and confidentiality. The local support continues after the weekend retreat providing a bond for all the participants as they continue to allow their hearts to heal.

Photo by Unsplash

The weekend experience is free of charge for the veteran participants. The retreats are currently being held in Milwaukee, Wisconsin (healingwarriorhearts.org) and Katy, Texas (texasforheroes.org). There is a similar weekend for veteran couples. One or both members of the pair can be a veteran. Both versions of the weekend are free of charge for the participants including food and lodging.

The program is designed, led by compassionate and empathetic certified instructors supported by a volunteer staff dedicated to the veterans’ healing. For years, Skip has proudly been one of the certified instructors for the couples’ retreats.

Please consider attending a retreat or recommending it to a veteran friend or family member.

Contact the Milwaukee or Katy organizations to find out more information or to enroll in an upcoming weekend.

Katy, TX texasforheroes.org 281.395.9152

Milwaukee, WI www.healingwarriorhearts.org 414.374.5433

Common Interests of a Successful Relationship

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One of the 10 Important Keys to a Strong and Loving Relationship

Do you know a couple who are complete opposites?

• One is vegan, the other a carnivore

• One is a social magnet, the other is an absolute homebody

• One loves nature walks, the other prefers walking through stores

You probably do know at least one of these couples and you’ve said to yourself ‘why are they together? How do they spend their time?’ Does a couple with apparently little or nothing in common have a real chance at a long and happy relationship? Can they have a future if they lead separate lives?

Well, of course, the answer is yes they can but it’s a little unusual (and may be somewhat more difficult) and takes a little different kind of commitment.

Common Interests as a Key to Closeness

For most of us, however, common interests are one of the keys to a strong, loving relationship. It is a bond that 2 people share outside of career and family responsibilities and an important pathway to create closeness.

I am NOT suggesting that everything must be done in tandem. We are not clones or carbon copies (ask an elder or google ‘carbon copy’ if needed). The notion that you must do everything together is as restrictive and un-empowering as doing nothing together. Spending one weekend attending a cooking workshop and the next weekend at a Nascar race may mean that for two weekends at least 1/2 of the couple will be very discontented and that closeness and enjoying each other is not likely to be achieved. Each of the couple should follow their own interests as well as finding time to pursue mutual interests.

“Common Interests are a bond that 2 people share outside of career and family responsibilities and an important pathway to closeness.”

Note: While I am focusing on common interests, most of these concepts hold true for common goals as well. Goals have a tendency to be bigger and long-term - where to live, retirement plans, travelling, etc. An alignment of these goals through discussion and mutual agreement is important early on to prevent distance and disagreement in the future. The mechanics of agreeing upon and reaching short and long-term goals are often mimic the process of pursuing common interests.

Benefits of Common Interests

Common interests provide a vehicle for couples to spend leisure time together. Dancing or watching your favorite football team play provides a focus for spending time in each other’s company, exercise, a chance to talk, an opportunity to clear frustration from work, or solve family concerns, discuss future endeavors and goals, etc.

Skip and I have long held the belief that our best business discussions happen on road trips. Hours on the road stuck (er not stuck, I mean, together) in the car with each other may sound like torture to some but we see new things, watch birds (one of our passions) and have uninterrupted hours to design workshop material, write book chapters, anticipate podcast topics, etc. We enjoy car trips and the togetherness they create. The dog can be a little less excited about the confinement in the car but there’s usually a hike or picnic involved so everyone’s happy. So even in the course of running our company, we’ve managed to fit in road trips, birding, and outings with the dog and just with being together. Yea!

Unsplash Photo by Kayla Farmer

Are we suggesting that you must do everything together? Certainly not. Separate hobbies (bread-making, running, painting, etc.) need not be an activity that you both take up. However, if there is little in common between you then the relationship foundation may not be strong enough to withstand tougher times.

How it might show up in a relationship - a case study:

Let’s take a couple’s example. Dave and Steve met a few years ago and both felt the attraction immediately. They came to us recently because they had lost sight of why they were together. We helped them realize after a few sessions that while their attraction was still strong, they needed to nurture their relationship by creating common interests. Living in the same apartment without conversation or connection had quickly lost the spark they once felt. With just a little focus, they found new ways to stimulate conversation or ways to spend time together and new things to be passionate about in addition to each other.

Common interests can often evolve into common goals. This can foster the closeness needed to reach long-term goals and the teamwork required to design the action plan and maintain the motivation to accomplish such goals.

How do you start?

How do you create common interests when there doesn’t seem to be any in your relationship?

• Start with a decision and commitment. “If he likes fishing, I will find a way to participate with him.” That commitment is on both sides. I am not suggesting one of the couple must surrender their joy and blindly learn crochet or make cabinets. I am suggesting that you willingly experience your significant other’s (SO) passion and see if you can find a way to share in the experience. Maybe you won’t fish but you might enjoy riding along in the boat or whatever. Remember it’s not the activity as much as the time and energy spent together.

• Another possibility is to find a new interest - new to both of you. How about raising chickens? Or trying for a combined goal of walking 1000 miles before the end of the year? Maybe a class in Thai cooking is more your speed or flipping a classic car (that’s flipping as in restoring and reselling not wrecking). Or maybe set a goal to try as many new things together as possible this year. An open mind and a commitment to ensure that both parties are enjoying the experience are the only requirements. A deeper interest in your partner and your relationship is the by-product of this process.

• Longer term goals should be discussed and broken down into shorter term goals. Buying a house in 5 years? What do you have to do within 4 years to succeed? 3 years? Next year? How do we make these sub-goals realistic and what actions are needed to accomplish them? Cleaning up credit, creating a budget, setting savings goals, etc. And don’t forget to discuss the purpose of the goal. If your SO wants to live in the city closer to work but your ideal is a country garden life, your goal may be harder to reach until a compromise is struck that you can both get behind.

Sometimes conflict arises or one of the couple does not follow-thru on their part of the agreements. These difficulties will encourage conflict resolution and renegotiation skills that will actually create more closeness in the future. Don’t let these obstacles deter you. “Coupleness” is a journey after all.

Bottom Line

Nurturing common interests creates opportunities to:

• spend leisure time together

• create closeness

• support and encourage each other

• create teamwork

• provide additional topics of conversation

• may increase social opportunities and friendships

Take an interest in creating common interests with your significant other. It will help you create a strong, loving relationship.

Interested in improving your relationship? Consider a discovery appointment with Swies Life Coaching by clicking here.

Also check our related blogs on the 10 KEYS TO A STRONG, LOVING RELATIONSHIP:

• Listening

• Commitment

• 10 Keys to a Strong, Loving Relationship

Find out more about us

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The Key to Conscious, Compassionate Listening

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A key to a strong, loving relationship

As I’m sitting here writing an ironic, one-sided blog about listening and I got to thinking about how important listening is in a relationship. Business, friends, family, love relationships all require a commitment to listening - effective listening.

How and Why of Listening

There are a number of ways to listen in a relationship:

• listening to fix the problem

• listening to win the argument

• listening to assess blame

• listening for accuracy

• listening to provide support

• listening to hear the feelings being expressed

• listening for rebuttal

• listening to be in the present moment

• listening to understand

• listening with empathy/concern

• listening with the intention to be helpful

Now you may be saying “are there really ALL these kinds of listening?! No wonder we never resolve anything!” That’s the way it is for many of us, Our listening to others gets mixed up with our motives and intentions (like past issues, ego, anger, etc.) and it can hamper our compassionate listening. All parties involved must work to focus on being present and listening with an intent to be of service and understand and contribute to a solution rather than defeating or blaming the other.

“Business, friends, family, love relationships all require a commitment to listening - effective, conscious, compassionate listening.”

Pop Quiz

Here’s a pop quiz: Your significant other (SO) comes home complaining about their day at work. You respond by:

1. listening for the purpose of allowing your SO to let off some steam so they can be more present

2. listening to figure out how to fix the problem and be the hero

3. listening to your SO’s frustration and asking how they plan to handle/change the situation or if they’d like some input about resolving the issues.

4. listening while you scroll through your cell and offer an ill-timed “uh-huh” occasionally.

5. listening while waiting for SO to finish so you can tell them how awful your day was.

Which answer describes your usual response in this situation? Which response sound the most empowering? Are the two answers the same?

Empathetic Listening

Answers 1 and 3 are examples of empathetic or compassionate listening. Allowing the speaker to say what they need to express and paying attention to the content without being preoccupied about how you (as the listener) plans to respond or interrupting can be extremely helpful for someone under stress. If the discussion/argument centers on you, I know it can be hard to not switch to a defensive stance but it’s important to try to stay in the moment and let the other have their say.

New Listening Habits

So how do you get there? Acquire new habits to make listening more effective. It will likely be necessary to “unlearn” lifetime behaviors and incorporate new ones. Skip and I occasionally fall into old habits during a heated discussion but when we catch ourselves, we arrange for a “do-over”. “Sorry hon, I realize I was thinking about what to say next instead of really listening to you. Let me tell you what I think you were saying so you can make sure I have heard it correctly.”

Some of the new habits are:

• Curiosity about what the other is feeling and saying

• Displaying empathy and compassion

• Asking how to be helpful (don’t assume)

• Asking permission before offering a solution or advice

• Repeating what’s been said to check accuracy

• Interpreting to test your understanding

• Holding an intention for a positive outcome

• Helping create a plan for a solution (only if requested)

• Increasing your level of caring and your interest in others

• Speaking in “I” statements to avoid “you” accusations

Secret Tip for Success

Here’s a special tip. Whenever possible, encourage discussions (arguments without the energy and revenge) during neutral times. In other words, the time to discuss whose turn it was to make dinner is not 6:30 when the fam is starving and nerves are frayed. Throw in a pizza, toss a salad, eat, relax. Later or tomorrow start the conversation, “I want to create a plan to handle dinner responsibilities. I don’t want a fight when we get home every night. I thought we might try to do ‘X’. Do you have any ideas?”

Anger interferes with compassionate listening and hinders our ability to look for solutions.

Everyone Wants to be Heard

Everyone wants to be heard. It’s critical for children to feel heard and to learn to listen as they develop their self-image. Children who think they have no voice may find other ways to act out in order to “be heard”. When they become adults, children who feel they cannot make themselves be heard may also have trouble solving conflicts and listening to others since their focus is on formulating a strategy to make their view own be heard.

Make sure your SO feels important and heard. And, in turn, if you feel you are not being heard, say something! “Please don’t interrupt me. It makes me feel like you don’t think what I say is important.” or “Will you repeat back what I said so I know you heard me?”

Try holding hands during discussions like this. We have found that holding hands to re-establish the connection between the two of you, dissipates high emotion and allows both participants to focus more intently.

Final Thoughts

Two of the most important phrases you can speak in a relationship are

“I’m here. I’m listening.”

and

“How can I support you?”

Let us know how it goes — we’re listening too.

Ready to set a discovery appointment? Call or text us to set up a free 30 minute Discovery Appointment. 512-589-3422. We look forward to meeting you.

The next key characteristic of an empowered relationship we’ll talk about is Common Interests/Goals. Sign up for our notifications so you don’t miss a blog post.

Recommended reading:

A wonderful book about learning strong communication skills to empower your relationship.

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Want to know about us?

Interested in what Swies Life Coaching can do for you? Discovery Appointment, text/call 512-589-3422.

Other blog posts you might like:

BUILDING STRONG, LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

COMMITMENT