Common Interests of a Successful Relationship
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One of the 10 Important Keys to a Strong and Loving Relationship
Do you know a couple who are complete opposites?
One is vegan, the other a carnivore
One is a social magnet, the other is an absolute homebody
One loves nature walks, the other prefers walking through stores
You probably do know at least one of these couples and you’ve said to yourself ‘why are they together? How do they spend their time?’ Does a couple with apparently little or nothing in common have a real chance at a long and happy relationship? Can they have a future if they lead separate lives?
Well, of course, the answer is yes they can but it’s a little unusual (and may be somewhat more difficult) and takes a little different kind of commitment.
Common Interests as a Key to Closeness
For most of us, however, common interests are one of the keys to a strong, loving relationship. It is a bond that 2 people share outside of career and family responsibilities and an important pathway to create closeness.
I am NOT suggesting that everything must be done in tandem. We are not clones or carbon copies (ask an elder or google ‘carbon copy’ if needed). The notion that you must do everything together is as restrictive and un-empowering as doing nothing together. Spending one weekend attending a cooking workshop and the next weekend at a Nascar race may mean that for two weekends at least 1/2 of the couple will be very discontented and that closeness and enjoying each other is not likely to be achieved. Each of the couple should follow their own interests as well as finding time to pursue mutual interests.
“Common Interests are a bond that 2 people share outside of career and family responsibilities and an important pathway to closeness.”
Note: While I am focusing on common interests, most of these concepts hold true for common goals as well. Goals have a tendency to be bigger and long-term - where to live, retirement plans, travelling, etc. An alignment of these goals through discussion and mutual agreement is important early on to prevent distance and disagreement in the future. The mechanics of agreeing upon and reaching short and long-term goals are often mimic the process of pursuing common interests.
Benefits of Common Interests
Common interests provide a vehicle for couples to spend leisure time together. Dancing or watching your favorite football team play provides a focus for spending time in each other’s company, exercise, a chance to talk, an opportunity to clear frustration from work, or solve family concerns, discuss future endeavors and goals, etc.
Skip and I have long held the belief that our best business discussions happen on road trips. Hours on the road stuck (er not stuck, I mean, together) in the car with each other may sound like torture to some but we see new things, watch birds (one of our passions) and have uninterrupted hours to design workshop material, write book chapters, anticipate podcast topics, etc. We enjoy car trips and the togetherness they create. The dog can be a little less excited about the confinement in the car but there’s usually a hike or picnic involved so everyone’s happy. So even in the course of running our company, we’ve managed to fit in road trips, birding, and outings with the dog and just with being together. Yea!
Unsplash Photo by Kayla Farmer
Are we suggesting that you must do everything together? Certainly not. Separate hobbies (bread-making, running, painting, etc.) need not be an activity that you both take up. However, if there is little in common between you then the relationship foundation may not be strong enough to withstand tougher times.
How it might show up in a relationship - a case study:
Let’s take a couple’s example. Dave and Steve met a few years ago and both felt the attraction immediately. They came to us recently because they had lost sight of why they were together. We helped them realize after a few sessions that while their attraction was still strong, they needed to nurture their relationship by creating common interests. Living in the same apartment without conversation or connection had quickly lost the spark they once felt. With just a little focus, they found new ways to stimulate conversation or ways to spend time together and new things to be passionate about in addition to each other.
Common interests can often evolve into common goals. This can foster the closeness needed to reach long-term goals and the teamwork required to design the action plan and maintain the motivation to accomplish such goals.
How do you start?
How do you create common interests when there doesn’t seem to be any in your relationship?
Start with a decision and commitment. “If he likes fishing, I will find a way to participate with him.” That commitment is on both sides. I am not suggesting one of the couple must surrender their joy and blindly learn crochet or make cabinets. I am suggesting that you willingly experience your significant other’s (SO) passion and see if you can find a way to share in the experience. Maybe you won’t fish but you might enjoy riding along in the boat or whatever. Remember it’s not the activity as much as the time and energy spent together.
Another possibility is to find a new interest - new to both of you. How about raising chickens? Or trying for a combined goal of walking 1000 miles before the end of the year? Maybe a class in Thai cooking is more your speed or flipping a classic car (that’s flipping as in restoring and reselling not wrecking). Or maybe set a goal to try as many new things together as possible this year. An open mind and a commitment to ensure that both parties are enjoying the experience are the only requirements. A deeper interest in your partner and your relationship is the by-product of this process.
Longer term goals should be discussed and broken down into shorter term goals. Buying a house in 5 years? What do you have to do within 4 years to succeed? 3 years? Next year? How do we make these sub-goals realistic and what actions are needed to accomplish them? Cleaning up credit, creating a budget, setting savings goals, etc. And don’t forget to discuss the purpose of the goal. If your SO wants to live in the city closer to work but your ideal is a country garden life, your goal may be harder to reach until a compromise is struck that you can both get behind.
Sometimes conflict arises or one of the couple does not follow-thru on their part of the agreements. These difficulties will encourage conflict resolution and renegotiation skills that will actually create more closeness in the future. Don’t let these obstacles deter you. “Coupleness” is a journey after all.
Bottom Line
Nurturing common interests creates opportunities to:
spend leisure time together
create closeness
support and encourage each other
create teamwork
provide additional topics of conversation
may increase social opportunities and friendships
Take an interest in creating common interests with your significant other. It will help you create a strong, loving relationship.
Interested in improving your relationship? Consider a discovery appointment with Swies Life Coaching by clicking here.
Also check our related blogs on the 10 KEYS TO A STRONG, LOVING RELATIONSHIP:
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