Commitment
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ALL ABOUT THE COMMITMENT
As I begin writing the first of the series of 10 Key Characteristics of a Strong, Loving Relationship, I am acutely aware of how interconnected the 10 keys are.
Today’s topic COMMITMENT is not possible without love, honesty, mutual respect and other key characteristics. These ten keys provide a strong foundation for any kind of relationship. And although you can live in a relationship without mutual respect or conflict resolution skills, it is unlikely that it will be a satisfying experience that you will treasure and reflect upon fondly over your lifetime.
“For most of our clients, commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships.”
Commitment Definition
Commitment can be a little difficult to describe but it can be defined as the state of being dedicated to a cause, activity, person, etc. In a relationship, commitment means that preserving the relationship itself is of utmost importance and that both parties will work toward mutual consideration and responsibility to work out issues that confront either partner. In short, it means the relationship carries weight and importance just as both individuals in the relationship do.
For most of our clients, commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships. One of the concerns most often voiced by our clients is that they feel their significant other (SO) is “not committed” or not “as committed” as they are.
Sometimes it is merely that the commitment has not been clearly envisioned by the individuals or that one or both of the partners have conditions like “this is how I see our relationship going” or “move with me to the coast” kind of conditions that can prevent the all-in kind of commitment. Sometimes past trauma (parents’ divorce) or previous experiences (broken, abusive or unsuccessful relationships) can influence a partner’s willingness to commit again.
Regardless of the reason, this lack of clear commitment can be an insurmountable obstacle to a long-term, loving relationship.
How do you get to Commitment?
So how do the partners get to commitment? I wish there was an easy formula A+B=C but there’s not. I do know that on the way to defining love and commitment, imagining the future and creating relationship goals, forgiveness comes into play.
Forgiveness?! Where does that fit?
Forgiveness is a state of mind that modern man and woman have a tendency to bury or push to the deepest corners of their minds. But there is an amazing freedom that can come from the act of forgiveness.
We’ve all had experiences - things we’ve done and things that have happened to us. And we’ve made decisions about those experiences - who we are as a result and, more importantly, who we are in the world.
A child is betrayed by a relative. The details are less important than the resulting decisions made by the child. The child may decide they can’t trust people they love; they are invisible; their feelings don’t count; or countless other possibilities.
Now that child grows up and the adult version of that child quite often brings those same decisions to an adult relationship - I can’t trust, my feelings won’t count, I’m invisible in this relationship. If the adult can work toward effectively letting go of the past, understanding their feelings and forgiving the transgressors (and themselves), then the better the chance that healing can begin. Healing changes everything. It allows adults the opportunity to evaluate new relationships and experiences in their current state instead of using past information/experiences as factors.
Healing the past
Many of our clients find healing to be an important part of creating a new willingness (and ability) to love, trust, and be close. Remember this cautionary is quite simplified but does have a place in the Life Cycle of a Decision. Forgiveness is an impactful life activity but not always an easy one. there are a number of books on the topic and I will soon post a detailed article about forgiveness. Signup here for notification when the post is published.
For the moment, just realize we all have experiences - negative and positive - and sometimes our interpretation creates obstacles to adult relationships and may interfere with love, trust and closeness.
“Healing changes everything. It allows the opportunity to evaluate new relationships & experiences in their current state instead of using past information/experiences as factors.”
For some people the relationship itself can be the problem. What commitment can you expect from an SO if you lied or broke promises to your partner? Their willingness to commit would likely be quite tentative. When you
make amends
learn from your mistakes
repair trust
and demonstrate the willingness to fully and honestly commit to the relationship
can the SO begin to heal and reassess their own tentative commitment.
Making Commitment a priority
So how do you make commitment a priority in your relationship?
The simplest reply is to be committed. Commitment isn’t something that just happens. In conjunction with the other characteristics - love, choosing closeness, common interests, being seen and the rest - commitment relies on you making a decision to value this relationship above all others. Your actions will then support that decision as you focus on the 9 other key characteristics that help you structure your commitment. Along the way, you will also improve your skills in demonstrating your commitment in ways your partner best understands.
Commitment is not something you fake until you get there or learn how to do it. Better to say “I’m learning about commitment but I’m very clumsy. Please hang in there with me.” then pretend you’re committed when you’re not. Remember there are 2 hearts involved in this.
When the time feels right, you’ll have the commitment talk. The “where would you like us to be in 5 years” or “should we take this to the next level?” kind of talk. Don’t go there if you're not really ready to engage in this discussion. This is not a test the waters kind of discussion. You’ve got to be ready to jump in. There’s no formula, no timetable, no “correct” words but it’s an important step to ensure you are both at least on the same chapter and hopefully the same page.
It gives you both a chance to share your dream goals, dream intentions, dream future and helps determine compatibility. I couldn’t have spent 53 years with a guy who wanted to live on the beach and he was likely to have not wanted a long-term relationship with me had I been determined to sell antiques in Saskatchewan. Neither choice is good or bad. However it sounds like they are likely to throw up an obstacle to a long-term commitment and neither partner should commit until a deep, heart-felt discussion is concluded. Same holds true if one partner is looking for a light, fun romance while the other wants wedding bells. Differences don’t mean the relationship is doomed but a reality check is in order. Maybe a compromise can be reached or a brand new idea considered so that both parties have a win. How about selling antiques in Key West?
The commitment process will demonstrate where your ideas connect and where they differ. It will also highlight all of the other keys to a loving relationship - honesty, conflict resolution, empathetic listening and the others.
Often this discussion will bolster your commitment to your SO simply by bringing you both into alignment. Occasionally the discussion will show you how far apart you are.
Although disappointing, the lack of commitment by either or both parties is better discovered early. The partners can decide to “just be friends”, part ways or have a less-structured, non-committed relationship.
Having an internal examination of your level of commitment is the first step. Once you’re clear about your feelings then it’s time to broach the subject with your SO.
“I’ve been thinking about where we’re headed…”
Getting help with commitment
Want some help working through this process with some old pros? (Did I just call myself OLD?) Go to our Scheduling Page and signup for a Discovery Appointment for yourself or both of you. It would be wonderful to talk to you!
Want to learn more about the rest of the 10 KEYS TO A STRONG, LOVING RELATIONSHIP?
Reach out to us - we’d love to hear from you!