The 10 Keys to Creating a Loving Relationship
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed and all the rest.
The 10 keys?
Meeting “the One”
OK. So you’ve met “the One.” The chemistry is right. The first conversation - heartfelt and a little flirty - has gone ok. Work history and income potential are satisfactory. In short, the first hurdle has been successfully negotiated. But now what?!
Road to Romance
As the relationship progresses with this new significant other (SO), bumps and potholes in the road to romance are bound to appear. On the surface, this may not be a big deal. People are unique and will absolutely handle confrontation, disagreements and everything else in different ways - some more successfully than others.
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed, and all the rest. Among those “things” are the cultural norms we see through today’s connected mediums, the relationship models we observe in our families and friends, as well as the decisions we make about who we are as an individual and our place in the world.
“There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close...”
We bring all this data to the relationship and it spills out when we hit a bump in our romantic relationship.
Our Perception of Relationship
By examining our individual perceptions of relationship (again perceptions formed as a result of observation and personal decisions), we can decide if these perceptions are useful to us now and even “unlearn” the ones that keep us from closeness and love. Whether we witnessed an abusive marriage between our parents, a divorce, a strong relationship or years of “my prince will come” fairy tales, are perceptions are formed.
The Foundation
The foundational ten key building blocks are the same for any relationship regardless of its current condition or its history. Whether a brand new relationship or one decades old, similar elements apply in any strong, loving, successful relationship:
love
commitment
honesty
being seen
empathetic listening
mutual respect
common goals/interests
intimacy
conflict resolution
communication
Each of these characteristics are important and each member of the relationship should have an understanding of its meaning as it pertains to their relationship. In other words, “what does commitment mean to us - individually and as a couple?” Don’t assume that it means the same to your SO as it means to you.
"A client once told us, “we broke up. I had no idea she wasn’t as committed as I was.”
“I’m sorry this is so painful for you,” Skip offered, “had you discussed commitment? Did you understand her expectations?”
“No. I thought they were like mine.”
“So when the pain has passed and you’ve healed, what will you do differently in your next relationship?”
“Oh, I don’t want to be in another relationship!”
“Why not, you’ve just learned a valuable tool to create a stronger one!”
It did take some time but he tried again and enjoyed his next relationship.
Learning New Communication Tools
We aren’t born knowing how to successfully navigate relationships. It’s like riding a bike. You jump on the bike, you ride. You fall off and get hurt. You get back on the bike and learn to slow down, be more careful, stay out of traffic and away from hills - or you don’t and repeat the unfortunate incident. Our experience of life will change as long as we learn from our failures and APPLY the new tools/awareness to new similar situations.
Awareness is the Key
These new tools can be just a little tricky. They often go against the ways we are used to interacting in a relationship so the tools can feel awkward at first. It’s only because we can spend a lifetime learning mistaken beliefs and unproductive behaviors that keep us stuck in an unwanted relationship cycle.
“A client once told us, ‘I keep dating the same guy over and over.’”
A client once came to us, “I keep dating the same guy over and over.” I couldn’t hide my grin as I glanced toward Skip. “Oh, he looks different each time and has a different name but deep down they are the same guy.”
But after some examination of her life decisions and some new communication tools, she is more at choice about how her relationships progress and who she chooses to date.
Gaining new Understanding and Skill
When we gain new understanding and learn new skills in these 10 key relationship areas, it can bring new life to a relationship that is not currently meeting your needs or help in your search for a new love.
We will examine each key area in detail in future posts. We invite you to signup for our updates and we will notify you when each new blog is published.
LISTENING - one of the 10 keys of a strong, loving relationship
COMMON INTERESTS - one of the 10 keys to a strong, loving relationship
Want to know more about us?
Ready to set a discovery appointment?
Reach out to us:
The 10 Keys to Creating a Loving Relationship
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed and all the rest.
[This post may contain recommended products/services for your consideration. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. There is no cost to you.]
The 10 keys?
Meeting “the One”
OK. So you’ve met “the One.” The chemistry is right. The first conversation - heartfelt and a little flirty - has gone ok. Work history and income potential are satisfactory. In short, the first hurdle has been successfully negotiated. But now what?!
Road to Romance
As the relationship progresses with this new significant other (SO), bumps and potholes in the road to romance are bound to appear. On the surface, this may not be a big deal. People are unique and will absolutely handle confrontation, disagreements and everything else in different ways - some more successfully than others.
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed, and all the rest. Among those “things” are the cultural norms we see through today’s connected mediums, the relationship models we observe in our families and friends, as well as the decisions we make about who we are as an individual and our place in the world.
“There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close...”
We bring all this data to the relationship and it spills out when we hit a bump in our romantic relationship.
Our Perception of Relationship
By examining our individual perceptions of relationship (again perceptions formed as a result of observation and personal decisions), we can decide if these perceptions are useful to us now and even “unlearn” the ones that keep us from closeness and love. Whether we witnessed an abusive marriage between our parents, a divorce, a strong relationship or years of “my prince will come” fairy tales, are perceptions are formed.
The Foundation
The foundational ten key building blocks are the same for any relationship regardless of its current condition or its history. Whether a brand new relationship or one decades old, similar elements apply in any strong, loving, successful relationship:
love
commitment
honesty
being seen
empathetic listening
mutual respect
common goals/interests
intimacy
conflict resolution
communication
Each of these characteristics are important and each member of the relationship should have an understanding of its meaning as it pertains to their relationship. In other words, “what does commitment mean to us - individually and as a couple?” Don’t assume that it means the same to your SO as it means to you.
"A client once told us, “we broke up. I had no idea she wasn’t as committed as I was.”
“I’m sorry this is so painful for you,” Skip offered, “had you discussed commitment? Did you understand her expectations?”
“No. I thought they were like mine.”
“So when the pain has passed and you’ve healed, what will you do differently in your next relationship?”
“Oh, I don’t want to be in another relationship!”
“Why not, you’ve just learned a valuable tool to create a stronger one!”
It did take some time but he tried again and enjoyed his next relationship.
Learning New Communication Tools
We aren’t born knowing how to successfully navigate relationships. It’s like riding a bike. You jump on the bike, you ride. You fall off and get hurt. You get back on the bike and learn to slow down, be more careful, stay out of traffic and away from hills - or you don’t and repeat the unfortunate incident. Our experience of life will change as long as we learn from our failures and APPLY the new tools/awareness to new similar situations.
Awareness is the Key
These new tools can be just a little tricky. They often go against the ways we are used to interacting in a relationship so the tools can feel awkward at first. It’s only because we can spend a lifetime learning mistaken beliefs and unproductive behaviors that keep us stuck in an unwanted relationship cycle.
“A client once told us, ‘I keep dating the same guy over and over.’”
A client once came to us, “I keep dating the same guy over and over.” I couldn’t hide my grin as I glanced toward Skip. “Oh, he looks different each time and has a different name but deep down they are the same guy.”
But after some examination of her life decisions and some new communication tools, she is more at choice about how her relationships progress and who she chooses to date.
Gaining new Understanding and Skill
When we gain new understanding and learn new skills in these 10 key relationship areas, it can bring new life to a relationship that is not currently meeting your needs or help in your search for a new love.
We will examine each key area in detail in future posts. We invite you to signup for our updates and we will notify you when each new blog is published.
LISTENING - one of the 10 keys of a strong, loving relationship
COMMON INTERESTS - one of the 10 keys to a strong, loving relationship
Want to know more about us?
Ready to set a discovery appointment?
Reach out to us:
Commitment
Commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships.
[This post may contain recommended products/services for your consideration. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. There is no cost to you.]
ALL ABOUT THE COMMITMENT
As I begin writing the first of the series of 10 Key Characteristics of a Strong, Loving Relationship, I am acutely aware of how interconnected the 10 keys are.
Today’s topic COMMITMENT is not possible without love, honesty, mutual respect and other key characteristics. These ten keys provide a strong foundation for any kind of relationship. And although you can live in a relationship without mutual respect or conflict resolution skills, it is unlikely that it will be a satisfying experience that you will treasure and reflect upon fondly over your lifetime.
“For most of our clients, commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships.”
Commitment Definition
Commitment can be a little difficult to describe but it can be defined as the state of being dedicated to a cause, activity, person, etc. In a relationship, commitment means that preserving the relationship itself is of utmost importance and that both parties will work toward mutual consideration and responsibility to work out issues that confront either partner. In short, it means the relationship carries weight and importance just as both individuals in the relationship do.
For most of our clients, commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships. One of the concerns most often voiced by our clients is that they feel their significant other (SO) is “not committed” or not “as committed” as they are.
Sometimes it is merely that the commitment has not been clearly envisioned by the individuals or that one or both of the partners have conditions like “this is how I see our relationship going” or “move with me to the coast” kind of conditions that can prevent the all-in kind of commitment. Sometimes past trauma (parents’ divorce) or previous experiences (broken, abusive or unsuccessful relationships) can influence a partner’s willingness to commit again.
Regardless of the reason, this lack of clear commitment can be an insurmountable obstacle to a long-term, loving relationship.
How do you get to Commitment?
So how do the partners get to commitment? I wish there was an easy formula A+B=C but there’s not. I do know that on the way to defining love and commitment, imagining the future and creating relationship goals, forgiveness comes into play.
Forgiveness?! Where does that fit?
Forgiveness is a state of mind that modern man and woman have a tendency to bury or push to the deepest corners of their minds. But there is an amazing freedom that can come from the act of forgiveness.
We’ve all had experiences - things we’ve done and things that have happened to us. And we’ve made decisions about those experiences - who we are as a result and, more importantly, who we are in the world.
A child is betrayed by a relative. The details are less important than the resulting decisions made by the child. The child may decide they can’t trust people they love; they are invisible; their feelings don’t count; or countless other possibilities.
Now that child grows up and the adult version of that child quite often brings those same decisions to an adult relationship - I can’t trust, my feelings won’t count, I’m invisible in this relationship. If the adult can work toward effectively letting go of the past, understanding their feelings and forgiving the transgressors (and themselves), then the better the chance that healing can begin. Healing changes everything. It allows adults the opportunity to evaluate new relationships and experiences in their current state instead of using past information/experiences as factors.
Healing the past
Many of our clients find healing to be an important part of creating a new willingness (and ability) to love, trust, and be close. Remember this cautionary is quite simplified but does have a place in the Life Cycle of a Decision. Forgiveness is an impactful life activity but not always an easy one. there are a number of books on the topic and I will soon post a detailed article about forgiveness. Signup here for notification when the post is published.
For the moment, just realize we all have experiences - negative and positive - and sometimes our interpretation creates obstacles to adult relationships and may interfere with love, trust and closeness.
“Healing changes everything. It allows the opportunity to evaluate new relationships & experiences in their current state instead of using past information/experiences as factors.”
For some people the relationship itself can be the problem. What commitment can you expect from an SO if you lied or broke promises to your partner? Their willingness to commit would likely be quite tentative. When you
make amends
learn from your mistakes
repair trust
and demonstrate the willingness to fully and honestly commit to the relationship
can the SO begin to heal and reassess their own tentative commitment.
Making Commitment a priority
So how do you make commitment a priority in your relationship?
The simplest reply is to be committed. Commitment isn’t something that just happens. In conjunction with the other characteristics - love, choosing closeness, common interests, being seen and the rest - commitment relies on you making a decision to value this relationship above all others. Your actions will then support that decision as you focus on the 9 other key characteristics that help you structure your commitment. Along the way, you will also improve your skills in demonstrating your commitment in ways your partner best understands.
Commitment is not something you fake until you get there or learn how to do it. Better to say “I’m learning about commitment but I’m very clumsy. Please hang in there with me.” then pretend you’re committed when you’re not. Remember there are 2 hearts involved in this.
When the time feels right, you’ll have the commitment talk. The “where would you like us to be in 5 years” or “should we take this to the next level?” kind of talk. Don’t go there if you're not really ready to engage in this discussion. This is not a test the waters kind of discussion. You’ve got to be ready to jump in. There’s no formula, no timetable, no “correct” words but it’s an important step to ensure you are both at least on the same chapter and hopefully the same page.
It gives you both a chance to share your dream goals, dream intentions, dream future and helps determine compatibility. I couldn’t have spent 53 years with a guy who wanted to live on the beach and he was likely to have not wanted a long-term relationship with me had I been determined to sell antiques in Saskatchewan. Neither choice is good or bad. However it sounds like they are likely to throw up an obstacle to a long-term commitment and neither partner should commit until a deep, heart-felt discussion is concluded. Same holds true if one partner is looking for a light, fun romance while the other wants wedding bells. Differences don’t mean the relationship is doomed but a reality check is in order. Maybe a compromise can be reached or a brand new idea considered so that both parties have a win. How about selling antiques in Key West?
The commitment process will demonstrate where your ideas connect and where they differ. It will also highlight all of the other keys to a loving relationship - honesty, conflict resolution, empathetic listening and the others.
Often this discussion will bolster your commitment to your SO simply by bringing you both into alignment. Occasionally the discussion will show you how far apart you are.
Although disappointing, the lack of commitment by either or both parties is better discovered early. The partners can decide to “just be friends”, part ways or have a less-structured, non-committed relationship.
Having an internal examination of your level of commitment is the first step. Once you’re clear about your feelings then it’s time to broach the subject with your SO.
“I’ve been thinking about where we’re headed…”
Getting help with commitment
Want some help working through this process with some old pros? (Did I just call myself OLD?) Go to our Scheduling Page and signup for a Discovery Appointment for yourself or both of you. It would be wonderful to talk to you!
Want to learn more about the rest of the 10 KEYS TO A STRONG, LOVING RELATIONSHIP?
Reach out to us - we’d love to hear from you!