The Life Cycle of Decisions
Life is a series of decisions. Our decisions effect our vision of who we are and what our place is in the world. Find out how to become more aware of the decisions we make and the effect they have on our relationships.
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A Lifetime of Decisions
Our existence consists of a lifetime of decisions - big ones, unimportant ones, monumental ones, good, erroneous, whatever. They effect our concept of self, our vision of relationship, our definition of man and woman, our thinking about our ability to achieve, find success, experience love and be happy.
But have you ever considered that decisions have a life of their own?
Here’s how that might look —
The EXPERIENCE
Little Tommy wakes up on his birthday, runs into the living room where he finds a new bike with a big red bow - his first two-wheeler! He takes the bike out on the driveway, jumps on, races down the driveway and promptly wipes out as he tries to negotiate his first right turn. As he sits on the curb with scrapes and bruises from his fall, what might he have decided?
Image by Pixabay165106
Our early decisions effect our concept of self and our vision of relationship.
The DECISION
What if he decided “Why do I even try? I’m just no good at anything?! Time goes on, he heals and has the occasion to try something else new - roller skates! How do you think his experience might go? Will he be confident, willing to jump into a new activity or might he hesitate and assume he will fail? As his life continues he will face other similar experiences and over time so these decisions may repeat over and over again to become part of his belief system about who he is and what life is about. “I can’t handle new life experiences.”
(Illustration designed by Skip Swies and Allyn Nay for Global Relationship Centers in 1993)
The BELIEF
Here’s how it looks. You have an experience and make a decision about who you are and your relationship in the world. You continue to experience life and if you have similar experiences, you actually look for proof for those earlier decisions. That proof will form the basis of a belief about your very being to the point that you expect the negative outcome to happen anytime you experience something similar. Your unconscious will begin to arrange your circumstances to fit your belief system.
The EXPECTATION
Ever felt like you were dating the same guy over and over again? Maybe you think others in your company are always getting promoted over you. If you grew up in a family of violence and chaos, it would make sense that your vision of what family should be might be negative and something you unconsciously resist.
So are we doomed - each of us fated to follow a particular destiny because of our early decisions that become unproductive beliefs? The answer is - not unless we want it to!
It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
-Epictetus
CHANGING THE CYCLE
There are beliefs that serve us. That one we learn young about not getting too close to fire is a good one. But how about Tommy and his belief is not capable when facing new tasks/experiences? His lack of confidence and his likely hesitation may even sabotage his efforts. He may, unfortunately and unconsciously, go through life avoiding new tasks and experiences that could bring him great joy and success because he assumes he will fail before he even tries.
Now we all know failure and disappointment are part of life but so are happiness and success. In “The Dance," Garth Brooks reminds us “I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the Dance.” A little risk and conscious decisions can change our lives.
Conscious decisions?! It means questioning that little negative voice in your head. It means becoming aware of those knee-jerk decisions. It means asking yourself (whenever practical) ‘is this decision truly in your best interest?’
Most of all it means trusting yourself to handle the disappointment and mistakes that inevitably happen to us all without having it define us as a person. Detaching from the result is critical. Learning from the result is just as important.
What if Tommy racing down the driveway on his new bike had the advantage of maturity and self-reflection? When he sat in a bruised heap at the end of the driveway, what if instead of saying to himself, “Man, that was scary, I’m not good enough to handle new stuff like this. I better not ever try anything risky again!” Tommy chuckled to himself and said, “Wow what a ride! Looks like I need some practice and I definitely need to slow down. Maybe Dad can help me try this again.”
With some conscious practice, anyone can identify and change their belief structures. By keeping the beliefs that serve you and changing the unproductive beliefs you hold, you can focus on creating the life you want!
Interested in some coaching to help you identify your mistaken beliefs? We’re here to help.
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Recommended further reading:
A foundational book of the personal growth movement of the 70s & 80s, the principles still hold true today. Written by a friend and mentor, Bill Riedler, this book, although written decades ago, will give an understanding of how we are in charge of our lives and decisions.
Should you hire a Certified Couples Coach?
Are you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?
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Considering hiring a relationship coach?
How’s your relationship? Are you fighting all the time? Thinking of leaving him? Found out she had an affair? Not sure you can make a lifelong commitment? You’re in love but the marriage has stalled? Your mother, brother or best friend say dump ‘em but you’re not sure you want to end it? Consider a certified relationship coach to help you untangle the issues and teach you how to repair the relationship.
At Swies Life Coaching, we focus on building strong, loving relationships - all kinds of relationships.
What’s a “relationship” life coach?
A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and work through tough times. Whether your goal is to repair and improve the relationship or to ease the transition while you both go new directions, a coach can facilitate the process and help each of you heal and move on with considerably less baggage.
So what does a great relationship coach do?
Help you identify your desired outcome
Listen and empathize
Assist you in understanding how you got to this place
Facilitate the healing process
Encourage you to focus on your next step.
“A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and facilitate healing and transitions.”
In turn the client should
Stay curious
Set aside blame and opt for finding new ground
Focus on healing self and learning more about who they are
Be willing to come to the table for open and honest dialogue
Be self-reflective with a vision of their goal for the relationship.
If your goal is to get the coach to side with you or “to win” or if revenge is your highest priority, you’re likely to be disappointed with your experience of working with a relationship coach. And, more importantly, you may be likely to repeat the patterns that got you into that unsatisfying relationship in the first place. To paraphrase, if you don’t understand your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
“A great life coach is empathetic yet neutral and encourages the client to find their own answers.”
Maybe you’re not in a relationship currently but would like to understand yourself better, move beyond past hurts, gain a clearer perspective about your goals and vision for the future. A life coach can assist you to heal the past, enjoy the present and see future clarity.
OK, so a relationship coach is sounding pretty good to you. Now how do you go about finding one?
Location:
Decide if geographic location is important to you. If face-to-face sessions are a priority to you, obviously you’ll center your search around nearby coaches but include traffic and travel time into your choice. While there are certainly advantages to being able to see a coach in your neighborhood, I advise you to not make location your top priority. Our clientele overwhelmingly choose online sessions and we have clients from all over the country. Zoom provides an excellent experience without the stress of roundtrip traveling, parking, time from work, babysitting, etc. Most coaches (as we do) can accommodate the choice of the client. Online sessions also allow us to see our clients from all over the country,
Gender:
Again this is personal preference and you will need to decide how important it is in your decision. I caution you to consider your choices. Choosing the opposite sex may give you an entirely different perspective. I know Skip is one of the safest men that women could possibly choose (my personal bias is noted) but it is critical whenever a client is dealing with trauma that they feel safe. Keep an open mind about who you choose but most coaches offer some kind or get acquainted session and you take advantage of that. Trust your intuition about the coach. Sometimes you may need to meet with several coaches before making your choice. Bottom line is if gender/sexual orientation is important, by all means, make it a requirement for your short list.
Style:
I don’t mean fashion sense but the style they choose to interact with their clients. Coaches can be highly interactive, action-oriented, empathetic listeners. You might not realize how important this can be but consider “Sally” who grew up in a big family and may have had trouble “being heard”. It probably wouldn’t serve Sally to be with a headstrong talker - big on advice. Focus on a coach whose style will not fight yours and will allow you to internalize the feedback so you can move toward a positive result.
Certification:
A coach should be certified as a coach but might not have a license (like a social worker or psychiatrist). Experience is also important although new coaches in a partnership can suffice. Their bio should include enough info to determine whether they be on the short list.
Most coaches provide free/low-cost phone or in-person sessions so you can assess your compatibility. Ask questions. Will the coach see couples individually as well as together? Are sessions in-person or zoom or combination? Does the coach focus on feedback or just listens? In return your coach will likely be asking about the nature of your relationship concerns and what outcome you are hoping to achieve. Depending on how this initial visit feels to you, you can schedule more appointments, consider other coaches, or think about it for a few days.
A life coach can be an empathetic, independent confidant that can help couples get through hard times and develop new skills to make their relationship stronger or to assist the individuals in separating and moving on in a supportive, positive manner.
Want to know more about us?
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Recommended reading:
This is a practical guide to discovering the secrets of a great marriage. It has helpful ideas and exercises to gain a better understanding of each other’s needs. The Fergusons are directors of Intimate Life Christian Ministries.
Have questions or comments about hiring a life coach?
Commitment
Commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships.
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ALL ABOUT THE COMMITMENT
As I begin writing the first of the series of 10 Key Characteristics of a Strong, Loving Relationship, I am acutely aware of how interconnected the 10 keys are.
Today’s topic COMMITMENT is not possible without love, honesty, mutual respect and other key characteristics. These ten keys provide a strong foundation for any kind of relationship. And although you can live in a relationship without mutual respect or conflict resolution skills, it is unlikely that it will be a satisfying experience that you will treasure and reflect upon fondly over your lifetime.
“For most of our clients, commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships.”
Commitment Definition
Commitment can be a little difficult to describe but it can be defined as the state of being dedicated to a cause, activity, person, etc. In a relationship, commitment means that preserving the relationship itself is of utmost importance and that both parties will work toward mutual consideration and responsibility to work out issues that confront either partner. In short, it means the relationship carries weight and importance just as both individuals in the relationship do.
For most of our clients, commitment is an absolute, an essential element of successful relationships. One of the concerns most often voiced by our clients is that they feel their significant other (SO) is “not committed” or not “as committed” as they are.
Sometimes it is merely that the commitment has not been clearly envisioned by the individuals or that one or both of the partners have conditions like “this is how I see our relationship going” or “move with me to the coast” kind of conditions that can prevent the all-in kind of commitment. Sometimes past trauma (parents’ divorce) or previous experiences (broken, abusive or unsuccessful relationships) can influence a partner’s willingness to commit again.
Regardless of the reason, this lack of clear commitment can be an insurmountable obstacle to a long-term, loving relationship.
How do you get to Commitment?
So how do the partners get to commitment? I wish there was an easy formula A+B=C but there’s not. I do know that on the way to defining love and commitment, imagining the future and creating relationship goals, forgiveness comes into play.
Forgiveness?! Where does that fit?
Forgiveness is a state of mind that modern man and woman have a tendency to bury or push to the deepest corners of their minds. But there is an amazing freedom that can come from the act of forgiveness.
We’ve all had experiences - things we’ve done and things that have happened to us. And we’ve made decisions about those experiences - who we are as a result and, more importantly, who we are in the world.
A child is betrayed by a relative. The details are less important than the resulting decisions made by the child. The child may decide they can’t trust people they love; they are invisible; their feelings don’t count; or countless other possibilities.
Now that child grows up and the adult version of that child quite often brings those same decisions to an adult relationship - I can’t trust, my feelings won’t count, I’m invisible in this relationship. If the adult can work toward effectively letting go of the past, understanding their feelings and forgiving the transgressors (and themselves), then the better the chance that healing can begin. Healing changes everything. It allows adults the opportunity to evaluate new relationships and experiences in their current state instead of using past information/experiences as factors.
Healing the past
Many of our clients find healing to be an important part of creating a new willingness (and ability) to love, trust, and be close. Remember this cautionary is quite simplified but does have a place in the Life Cycle of a Decision. Forgiveness is an impactful life activity but not always an easy one. there are a number of books on the topic and I will soon post a detailed article about forgiveness. Signup here for notification when the post is published.
For the moment, just realize we all have experiences - negative and positive - and sometimes our interpretation creates obstacles to adult relationships and may interfere with love, trust and closeness.
“Healing changes everything. It allows the opportunity to evaluate new relationships & experiences in their current state instead of using past information/experiences as factors.”
For some people the relationship itself can be the problem. What commitment can you expect from an SO if you lied or broke promises to your partner? Their willingness to commit would likely be quite tentative. When you
make amends
learn from your mistakes
repair trust
and demonstrate the willingness to fully and honestly commit to the relationship
can the SO begin to heal and reassess their own tentative commitment.
Making Commitment a priority
So how do you make commitment a priority in your relationship?
The simplest reply is to be committed. Commitment isn’t something that just happens. In conjunction with the other characteristics - love, choosing closeness, common interests, being seen and the rest - commitment relies on you making a decision to value this relationship above all others. Your actions will then support that decision as you focus on the 9 other key characteristics that help you structure your commitment. Along the way, you will also improve your skills in demonstrating your commitment in ways your partner best understands.
Commitment is not something you fake until you get there or learn how to do it. Better to say “I’m learning about commitment but I’m very clumsy. Please hang in there with me.” then pretend you’re committed when you’re not. Remember there are 2 hearts involved in this.
When the time feels right, you’ll have the commitment talk. The “where would you like us to be in 5 years” or “should we take this to the next level?” kind of talk. Don’t go there if you're not really ready to engage in this discussion. This is not a test the waters kind of discussion. You’ve got to be ready to jump in. There’s no formula, no timetable, no “correct” words but it’s an important step to ensure you are both at least on the same chapter and hopefully the same page.
It gives you both a chance to share your dream goals, dream intentions, dream future and helps determine compatibility. I couldn’t have spent 53 years with a guy who wanted to live on the beach and he was likely to have not wanted a long-term relationship with me had I been determined to sell antiques in Saskatchewan. Neither choice is good or bad. However it sounds like they are likely to throw up an obstacle to a long-term commitment and neither partner should commit until a deep, heart-felt discussion is concluded. Same holds true if one partner is looking for a light, fun romance while the other wants wedding bells. Differences don’t mean the relationship is doomed but a reality check is in order. Maybe a compromise can be reached or a brand new idea considered so that both parties have a win. How about selling antiques in Key West?
The commitment process will demonstrate where your ideas connect and where they differ. It will also highlight all of the other keys to a loving relationship - honesty, conflict resolution, empathetic listening and the others.
Often this discussion will bolster your commitment to your SO simply by bringing you both into alignment. Occasionally the discussion will show you how far apart you are.
Although disappointing, the lack of commitment by either or both parties is better discovered early. The partners can decide to “just be friends”, part ways or have a less-structured, non-committed relationship.
Having an internal examination of your level of commitment is the first step. Once you’re clear about your feelings then it’s time to broach the subject with your SO.
“I’ve been thinking about where we’re headed…”
Getting help with commitment
Want some help working through this process with some old pros? (Did I just call myself OLD?) Go to our Scheduling Page and signup for a Discovery Appointment for yourself or both of you. It would be wonderful to talk to you!
Want to learn more about the rest of the 10 KEYS TO A STRONG, LOVING RELATIONSHIP?
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