How you got love

How we interact

We all have patterns of behavior. Our childhood experiences helped create our patterns. With each experience and the result of that experience, we’d make a decision about us and who we are in the world. For example, if a child discovers that good grades get special attention and love from his parents, he might develop the belief that he has to over-achieve to get love. Study and excelling in school might well become his pattern.

Understanding these patterns may give an adult more options for interacting with those around him. A more detailed explanation of how these decisions become beliefs for each of us is available in the post Life Cycle of Decisions

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Understanding your decisions

If you can discover some of your patterns, you can decide if they are still appropriate for you as an adult. If the pattern is no longer needed, you can decide to replace it or let it go and retrain yourself to react in new ways to experiences you encounter. It often takes some re-training because, for the most part, your unconscious is the part of your brain reacting. It has been conditioned over a lifetime so it can take a while to re-train.

Some decisions are still beneficial for you and so you’d want to keep them. This is where the awareness comes in. Bringing these unconscious patterns to consciousness gives you the opportunity to be more in charge of how and when you will utilize these beliefs.

Here’s an exercise to try

Try this simplified exercise:

Answer this question - “How did you get love as a child?” Think back to times when you got lavished with hugs and praise from someone important to you.

• were you the good one among your brother and sisters? Cleaning your room without being asked, maybe helping in the kitchen, possibly policing your siblings to keep the peace for the parent you especially wanted the positive response from,

• were you demanding? Being louder than everyone else to gain attention or pouting until someone noticed your unhappiness and gave you extra attention to cheer you up.

• were you sickly? Having illnesses would encourage your caretaker to give you extra attention and love because of your sickness. You’d also have fewer expectations because your health was the top priority.

There are unlimited options to answer the question “How did you get love as a child?” Think about it for a moment. You may want to write it down. Some people have different techniques for different caretakers. For dad, you might have been the good one but for mother you have been the little helper.

Exercise part 2: Once you are clear how you got love as a child, now answer this question:

How do you get love today? Again you may want to write it down.

Begin to look for your patterns

Armed with your answers from the exercise above, you can begin to look for correlations between how you got love as a child and how you get love now as an adult. Noticing similar results. Many of us do.

Maybe you realized you gave up on getting love (maybe you had a missing parent or your parents were abusive). Unfortunately negative patterns are developed as well. Even these negative patterns can be turned around and you can consciously work on changing this perception in your adult life. Again awareness is the key - you can’t change a pattern until you are aware of it.

Changing your patterns

Now that you have the information on your patterns you can begin to shift them to habits more useful to your life today. There is some trial and error involved and you will slip back into your old patterns sometimes but give yourself some room for mistakes and slips and congratulate yourself on successes when they occur.

I remember a Seinfeld episode when George was having such lousy luck in his life that it finally occurred to him if he always screwed it up why not try doing the opposite of what he would normally do.

With that in mind, one of your tactics may be to do the opposite (or nearly so) of what you would normally do. Go out on that date that you are hesitant to try. Apply for the job that you think is beyond you. Handle that argument with your significant other in a different way than you normally would. Instead of escalating the argument with accusations or name-calling, stop and speak in “I” statements. Let the emotion dissipate and take responsibility by saying “I thought you said” or “I’m sorry I forgot to tell you” or “this was my fault because I”. This opens the way for new solutions to solve the conflicts between you.

To sum it up

The more often you can become aware of your patterns, you become more comfortable changing them when they are not serving you. Try being more true to your current adult self instead of following patterns you thought you had to in order to get the love you wanted as a child.

Want a little more help working through these patterns? Contact Swies Life Coach for a discovery appointment

Should you hire a Certified Couples Coach?

Considering hiring a relationship coach?

How’s your relationship? Are you fighting all the time? Thinking of leaving him? Found out she had an affair? Not sure you can make a lifelong commitment? You’re in love but the marriage has stalled? Your mother, brother or best friend say dump ‘em but you’re not sure you want to end it? Consider a certified relationship coach to help you untangle the issues and teach you how to repair the relationship.

At Swies Life Coaching, we focus on building strong, loving relationships - all kinds of relationships.

What’s a “relationship” coach?

A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and work through tough times. Whether your goal is to repair and improve the relationship or to ease the transition while you both go new directions, a coach can facilitate the process and help each of you heal and move on with considerably less baggage.

So what does a great relationship coach do?

• Help you identify your desired outcome

• Listen and empathize

• Assist you in understanding how you got to this place

• Facilitate the healing process

• Encourage you to focus on your next step.

“A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and facilitate healing and transitions.”

At Swies Life Coach, our transformational coaching approach, focuses on the deep reasons for the decisions/choices our clients have made. Through discussion and insights, clients imagine their future path and we help with new skills that will assist them in achieving their goals.

In turn the client should

• Stay curious

• Set aside blame and opt for finding new ground

• Focus on healing self and learning more about who they are

• Be willing to come to the table for open and honest dialogue

• Be self-reflective with a vision of their goal for the relationship.

If your goal is to get the coach to side with you or “to win” or if revenge is your highest priority, you’re likely to be disappointed with your experience of working with a relationship coach. And, more importantly, you may be likely to repeat the patterns that got you into that unsatisfying relationship in the first place. To paraphrase, if you don’t understand your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.

“A great life coach is empathetic yet neutral and encourages the client to find their own answers.”

Maybe you’re not in a relationship currently but would like to understand yourself better, move beyond past hurts, gain a clearer perspective about your goals and vision for the future. A life coach can assist you to heal the past, enjoy the present and see future clarity.

OK, so a relationship coach is sounding pretty good to you. Now how do you go about finding one?

Location:

Decide if geographic location is important to you. If face-to-face sessions are a priority to you, obviously you’ll center your search around nearby coaches but include traffic and travel time into your choice. While there are certainly advantages to being able to see a coach in your neighborhood, I advise you to not make location your top priority. Our clientele overwhelmingly choose online sessions and we have clients from all over the country. Zoom provides an excellent experience without the stress of roundtrip traveling, parking, time from work, babysitting, etc. Most coaches (as we do) can accommodate the choice of the client. Online sessions also allow us to see our clients from all over the country,

Gender:

Again this is personal preference and you will need to decide how important it is in your decision. I caution you to consider your choices. Choosing the opposite sex may give you an entirely different perspective. For example, I know Skip is one of the safest men that women could possibly choose to help them work through trauma and personal issues (my personal bias is noted) and we acknowledge that it is critical for a client is dealing with trauma to feel safe. Keep an open mind about who you choose but most coaches offer some kind or get acquainted session and you take advantage of that. Trust your intuition about the coach. Sometimes you may need to meet with several coaches before making your choice. Bottom line is if gender/sexual orientation is important, by all means, make it a requirement for your short list.

Style:

I don’t mean fashion sense but the style they choose to interact with their clients. Coaches can be highly interactive, action-oriented, empathetic listeners. You might not realize how important this can be but consider “Sally” who grew up in a big family and may have had trouble “being heard”. It probably wouldn’t serve Sally to be with a headstrong talker - big on advice. Focus on a coach whose style will not fight yours and will allow you to internalize the feedback so you can move toward a positive result.

Certification:

A coach should be certified as a coach but might not have a license (like a social worker or psychiatrist). Experience is also important although new coaches in a partnership can suffice. Their bio should include enough info to determine whether they be on the short list.

Will the coach see couples individually as well as together? Are sessions in-person or zoom or combination? Does the coach focus on feedback or just listens? In return your coach will likely be asking about the nature of your relationship concerns and what outcome you are hoping to achieve. Depending on how this initial visit feels to you, you can schedule more appointments, consider other coaches, or think about it for a few days.

A life coach can be an empathetic, independent confidant that can help couples get through hard times and develop new skills to make their relationship stronger or to assist the individuals in separating and moving on in a supportive, positive manner.

Want to know more about us?

Ready to set up an appointment or have questions before scheduling?

Have questions or comments about hiring a life coach?

Five Best Ways: Reboot your Relationship

Don’t give up on a relationship when you only need to re-establish the connection

So your relationship is going okay. Maybe you’ve been together for several years, maybe a decade or more. Occasionally, you begin to think you are operating your relationship on automatic. Good morning-breakfast-work-dinner-good night hon-repeat.

Well if you’re looking for a quick fix, I’ve got some ideas on the 5 BEST Ways to Reboot your Relationship!

Unsplash image by Kelly Sikkema

1.Be on the Same Page

To break out of the “relationship on automatic loop”, I suggest you start by making sure you are on the same page.

Set aside a morning for a little walk then stop for some coffee and muffin at the cafe. While you’re enjoying the moment, put down the cells and focus your discussion on your future together. What each of you are dreaming for your lives individually and what you’d like to see for your relationship. (I would hope that this is a discussion you have had to some extent before or there may be big surprises.) And while you’re envisioning your life, get creative about how to blend your dreams and how to best support each other. It may require new ideas you haven’t thought of yet. New places to live, new ideas about how to reach your dreams and maybe even new dreams. Embrace the process and the negotiation and don’t expect to have your whole relationship planned out by the time you’re ready for a refill.

The point is forward-thinking together, not on automatic.

Once the vision is complete - move to Tuscany, start a small business, buy a house - then the process becomes setting up goals and processes to get you there. Being on the same page will be essential to success. Bingo Reboot!

2.Communication

Take time to practice effective ways to ask for what you want and express your concerns. Calmly stating your wants because you are to have wants is important. These are wants not demands remember and not said for the purpose of assuming it’s someone else's responsibility to get your needs met. But you can ask for help, support, feedback, advise to help you get what you want.

On the other side, it’s a great time to reinforce listening skills - empathetic listening and reflective listening - which are techniques to make sure you’re listening to understand and acknowledge the other. A revitalized relationship needs attention on both speaking and listening skills.

(Conflict resolution is also an important part of communication. Skills in this area will be covered in a separate post.)

Our listening skills have suffered as technology takes over more of our world. Put the cell down and really listen. Repeat back what your partner has said for accuracy (also gives your partner a chance to make sure they communicated correctly) and communicate what you believe to be the emotions or the meaning of their words. This is not an opportunity for you to defend, “You should have known I didn’t…” but that you actually understand what the other is trying to communicate. Boom reboot!

3.Date Night Reinvented

Arrange for social time together even if you have to schedule it. Covid kinda put a hold on date nights (or were they gone before that?) but I think it’s time they make a comeback. Set aside the phones (sense a pattern here?) and go to dinner one week, a movie/play the next, a weekend walk along a nice forest trail, sitting on the shore, whatever. Spend times with no distraction to enjoy each other, celebrate the week’s successes, plan next week.

Take turns participating in each other’s preferred activities. Compromise when necessary. Find new activities that can evolve into new experiences for you both. Bring it on Reboot!

4.Increase your Time Together at Home

Do you often spend time at opposite ends of the house? Do you feel more like roommates than a couple? Those two things are likely related. I’m not suggesting you should be joined at the hip and having separate interests (and friends) is completely healthy but make sure it’s not at the exclusion of your time together.

Our favorite is charcuterie night. Easy prep, super simple way to share a dinner then sit on the deck or in the den - just us celebrating us!

You can use this time to check on the progress of the visions from #1 topic of this blog. Talk about whatever comes to mind, enjoy some streaming and celebrate your love. Hooray Reboot!

5.Develop Common Interests

Find ways to be together and be of service at the same time. Helping others is one of the most powerful ways to be more aware of what you have and the feel-good power of service. Find a way to express your love for each other out in the world.

• volunteer at an animal shelter

• join a team clearing and maintaining trails at a park

• plant trees

• work for a food pantry

• post positive relationship memes

• start a relationship support group

Make ripples. Spread the love. It will keep the light shining on yours!

Any one of these ideas will make a difference. All 5 steps will quickly Reboot your Relationship!

Want a little help to jumpstart your reboot? Make an appointment with us. We’d love to work with you!

What to Expect when You Hire A Life Coach Online

Can you really find someone to provide effective life coaching services online?

Unsplash photo by Chris Montgomery

Have you ever wished for someone you can talk to - someone you’re NOT related to; a detached, neutral, yet empathetic stranger; someone not invested in the outcome except that they want you happy and your goals achieved.

I just described a life coach. Someone who will listen. Someone who has no history with you but who is willing to coach you past your past, help you set goals and hold you accountable. Someone that might offer a different view without judging you. A person totally invested in your happiness by taking your life more seriously than you do!

Characteristics of a Life Coach

Once you decide to see a life coach, you must choose which one. It may seem like a daunting task. Fortunately this is one case when going online may be helpful. You can search for a life coach that works for you.

If gender is important, add that to your search. Maybe lifestyle or areas of concentration (e.g. couples, goal-setting, trauma, etc.) is important, add that to your search.

But I want to caution you here. Don’t stereotype your image of the life coach you want too much. It may exclude wonderfully insightful people who will have great feedback and empathy for you.

If you’ve had a bad breakup with your boyfriend, it may feel natural to seek a female coach to help you through this traumatic time. But sometimes a male coach could give you thoughts “from a male perspective” in a way a female counselor may not be able to do.

The choice is always yours, of course, and your sense of safety is of utmost importance but I do encourage you to consider ALL options and to guard against eliminating options out of hand. My husband, Skip, for example, has worked with hundreds of clients over the years and is one of the most empathetic men I know.

Skills to consider

What other skills/traits should be considered when choosing a life coach?

Experience and/or specialties are important things to consider. Many coaches/counselors have a particular area of expertise - addiction, marriage, childhood trauma and so on. If you have a specific issue or concern you want to work on, then you may want to narrow your search to coaches that specialize in that area.

Many years ago, a moment of clumsiness resulted in a personal accident and, by chance, activated a childhood trauma for a client of ours. We helped her deal with the experience and what its resurfacing meant in her present and she was able to integrate the episode, acknowledge the lessons learned and let go of it effectively. It didn’t happen quite as quickly as my description makes it sound but within a couple months she felt like she was no longer a victim of her memory. It was most freeing.

Location

One of the greatest advantages of life coaching online is that you can choose someone you think will provide the right rapport to be the best coach to help you get the results you want.

The lack of concern about location is a real plus. For rural clients, it may mean you don’t have to see your cousin’s friend’s sister (unless she is a great match) if you don’t want. For big city clients, it may mean you don’t have to invest an afternoon each week of fighting traffic roundtrip, finding a place to park, sitting in a waiting room and investing 4 hours for a one hour appointment.

Instead you get your coffee ready, sit down at your laptop a few minutes before your appointment, in your fuzzy slippers if you want, and see our smiling faces on your screen. “What was great about your week?” or “What do you want to change about your life today?” And your coach could be 2000 miles away in a different time zone!

Now what?!

OK. You’ve decided you want to see a life coach. Wonderful!

You decided to keep an open mind about choosing a counselor and realize that location is not a critical element of your decision. Good idea!

Use your search engine and browse life coach choices. Many coaches provide an introductory session at low or no cost so you can both gauge whether you complement each other. Most will have bios included online as well. This will help you learn about special skills, length of experience, coaching style, etc. Valuable information in these biographies. You can often find out about session costs to help you make financial decisions.

In conclusion

If you have decided to talk to a life coach, I applaud you. Working through life’s obstacles is key to each of us reaching our most joyful potential and being the best version of ourselves we can be.

I hope you have found this post beneficial. If you have any questions about this post or finding yourself a coach, let me know - I’ll be happy to help. Email swieslifecoaching@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’d like to make an appointment, please call/text the office 512-589-3422 or email swieslifecoaching@gmail.com