Seeing and Being Seen

One of the 10 Keys of a Strong, Loving Relationship

One of the least considered but most fundamental needs we encounter as human beings is the need to be seen - to be acknowledged, to matter, to have others look beyond the superficial public face and connect to the real being inside.

The phrase “seeing others and being seen” doesn’t roll off the tongue easily but it is monumentally important.

What does it mean to “be seen”?

‘Being seen’ describes what happens when we look past the superficial pretense - the game face, the clothes, the make-up, the facade - we all create because we believe it is necessary for us to be accepted.

Image by Gerd Altman Pixabay

Now for clarity, when I say ‘seen’ I am not referring only to sight. That is certainly part of it since sight is a very important sense for us humans. However people without sight can still certainly ‘see’ others. ‘Seen’ refers to knowing the person inside - the soul, the real person.

To be seen describes what happens when we lower our protections and allow others to experience our true self - the vulnerable parts of us, the shameful parts, the frightened parts, the confused parts - the parts that we hide with the facade of an extrovert’s smile and the “I’m OK” attitude.

‘Seeing the other’ is exactly the same concept from the opposite point of view. Sometimes we are so busy hiding our true self that we forget the other person may feel just as vulnerable and may be desperate to have someone see them as well. They also have a shy, shameful, wounded soul hiding the real person hoping to be seen.

Choosing to be invisible

How does a person decide to not to be seen? To try to be invisible?

Experiences will occur (often in childhood) that involve humiliation, helplessness, loss among other emotions that will cause a child to subconsciously choose to emotionally hide in order to protect themselves from future trauma and negative experiences.

So if a child, in order to avoid the feeling of embarrassment or being overpowered lives his/her life by flying under the radar, that child is likely missing out on positive experiences that would boost their confidence and self-image as well as opportunities to contribute to society. A loss for them and for us.

How to Change the Path

So how do people bring themselves back to center after a lifetime of feeling invisible?

The answer is to focus on letting go of the past, unlearn old habits and develop new habits to ask for what you want. I realize, as I write this, that I make it sound as easy as changing socks. While I don’t mean to imply that it is ‘flipping the switch’ easy but for many people the awareness that this may be negatively impacting their daily life is enough to get them inspired to do whatever it takes to learn a new way to exist.

Unlearning the Past

The first step is to try to identify experiences you may have had (especially childhood or adolescent) that may have provided evidence that it would be better if you hid from the world. You might even recall the decision you made. You might remember a whole series of experiences that come to mind. Constant bullying would be an example. Having a nickname like Turtle also might be an example (yep, that one is mine.)

[Note: Again for some this process is quite easy. Others can use some help identifying those experiences, how they affect their lives now and how to move through the process of reclaiming their life. For 40+ years, Swies Life Coach has assisted clients in discovering these decisions, letting go and creating a life of joy. We’d be honored to help you too. swieslifecoach@gmail.com]

Develop New Habits

With some practice, you’ll develop new habits (like asking for what you want), learn to listen to new self-talk (you know, that little voice in your head that likes to tell you ‘you can’t) and stretch your comfort zone to become more visible.

Childhood Decisions

Childhood Decisions are just like the clothes you wore as a child. The clothes and shoes fit you then but are unlikely to fit you now. The same is true of some decisions. But instead of deciding the decisions no longer fit, we sometimes decide that’s who we are and how we are to operate in the world at large. We drag those decisions along with us even though they no longer fit us.

Maybe It’s Time for a Change

Appreciate yourself and your skills and talents. Ask for what you want and set boundaries. And let go of decisions that no longer serve you. Read more about that in our Life Cycle of Decisions blog post

One more thing - while you work on these changes, find a friend or acquaintance who may be on the same path. SEEING someone else is the best way for you to start your journey to BEING SEEN.

If we can be of help on your journey, we’d be honored. Explore a free 30 minute Discovery Appointment at SWIES LIFE COACH or call/text.