The Key to Conscious, Compassionate Listening
All relationships require a commitment to listening - empathetic, compassionate listening.
[This post may contain recommended products/services for your consideration. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. There is no cost to you.]
A key to a strong, loving relationship
As I’m sitting here writing an ironic, one-sided blog about listening and I got to thinking about how important listening is in a relationship. Business, friends, family, love relationships all require a commitment to listening - effective listening.
How and Why of Listening
There are a number of ways to listen in a relationship:
listening to fix the problem
listening to win the argument
listening to assess blame
listening for accuracy
listening to provide support
listening to hear the feelings being expressed
listening for rebuttal
listening to be in the present moment
listening to understand
listening with empathy/concern
listening with the intention to be helpful
Now you may be saying “are there really ALL these kinds of listening?! No wonder we never resolve anything!” That’s the way it is for many of us, Our listening to others gets mixed up with our motives and intentions (like past issues, ego, anger, etc.) and it can hamper our compassionate listening. All parties involved must work to focus on being present and listening with an intent to be of service and understand and contribute to a solution rather than defeating or blaming the other.
“Business, friends, family, love relationships all require a commitment to listening - effective, conscious, compassionate listening.”
Pop Quiz
Here’s a pop quiz: Your significant other (SO) comes home complaining about their day at work. You respond by:
listening for the purpose of allowing your SO to let off some steam so they can be more present
listening to figure out how to fix the problem and be the hero
listening to your SO’s frustration and asking how they plan to handle/change the situation or if they’d like some input about resolving the issues.
listening while you scroll through your cell and offer an ill-timed “uh-huh” occasionally.
listening while waiting for SO to finish so you can tell them how awful your day was.
Which answer describes your usual response in this situation? Which response sound the most empowering? Are the two answers the same?
Empathetic Listening
Answers 1 and 3 are examples of empathetic or compassionate listening. Allowing the speaker to say what they need to express and paying attention to the content without being preoccupied about how you (as the listener) plans to respond or interrupting can be extremely helpful for someone under stress. If the discussion/argument centers on you, I know it can be hard to not switch to a defensive stance but it’s important to try to stay in the moment and let the other have their say.
New Listening Habits
So how do you get there? Acquire new habits to make listening more effective. It will likely be necessary to “unlearn” lifetime behaviors and incorporate new ones. Skip and I occasionally fall into old habits during a heated discussion but when we catch ourselves, we arrange for a “do-over”. “Sorry hon, I realize I was thinking about what to say next instead of really listening to you. Let me tell you what I think you were saying so you can make sure I have heard it correctly.”
Some of the new habits are:
Curiosity about what the other is feeling and saying
Displaying empathy and compassion
Asking how to be helpful (don’t assume)
Asking permission before offering a solution or advice
Repeating what’s been said to check accuracy
Interpreting to test your understanding
Holding an intention for a positive outcome
Helping create a plan for a solution (only if requested)
Increasing your level of caring and your interest in others
Speaking in “I” statements to avoid “you” accusations
Secret Tip for Success
Here’s a special tip. Whenever possible, encourage discussions (arguments without the energy and revenge) during neutral times. In other words, the time to discuss whose turn it was to make dinner is not 6:30 when the fam is starving and nerves are frayed. Throw in a pizza, toss a salad, eat, relax. Later or tomorrow start the conversation, “I want to create a plan to handle dinner responsibilities. I don’t want a fight when we get home every night. I thought we might try to do ‘X’. Do you have any ideas?”
Anger interferes with compassionate listening and hinders our ability to look for solutions.
Everyone Wants to be Heard
Everyone wants to be heard. It’s critical for children to feel heard and to learn to listen as they develop their self-image. Children who think they have no voice may find other ways to act out in order to “be heard”. When they become adults, children who feel they cannot make themselves be heard may also have trouble solving conflicts and listening to others since their focus is on formulating a strategy to make their view own be heard.
Make sure your SO feels important and heard. And, in turn, if you feel you are not being heard, say something! “Please don’t interrupt me. It makes me feel like you don’t think what I say is important.” or “Will you repeat back what I said so I know you heard me?”
Try holding hands during discussions like this. We have found that holding hands to re-establish the connection between the two of you, dissipates high emotion and allows both participants to focus more intently.
Final Thoughts
Two of the most important phrases you can speak in a relationship are
“I’m here. I’m listening.”
and
“How can I support you?”
Let us know how it goes — we’re listening too.
Ready to set a discovery appointment? Call or text us to set up a free 30 minute Discovery Appointment. 512-589-3422. We look forward to meeting you.
The next key characteristic of an empowered relationship we’ll talk about is Common Interests/Goals. Sign up for our notifications so you don’t miss a blog post.
Recommended reading:
A wonderful book about learning strong communication skills to empower your relationship.
We’re here and we’d love to connect with you so send us a message:
Want to know about us?
Interested in what Swies Life Coaching can do for you? Discovery Appointment, text/call 512-589-3422.
Other blog posts you might like:
