The 10 Keys to Creating a Loving Relationship
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed and all the rest.
The 10 keys?
Meeting “the One”
OK. So you’ve met “the One.” The chemistry is right. The first conversation - heartfelt and a little flirty - has gone ok. Work history and income potential are satisfactory. In short, the first hurdle has been successfully negotiated. But now what?!
Road to Romance
As the relationship progresses with this new significant other (SO), bumps and potholes in the road to romance are bound to appear. On the surface, this may not be a big deal. People are unique and will absolutely handle confrontation, disagreements and everything else in different ways - some more successfully than others.
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed, and all the rest. Among those “things” are the cultural norms we see through today’s connected mediums, the relationship models we observe in our families and friends, as well as the decisions we make about who we are as an individual and our place in the world.
“There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close...”
We bring all this data to the relationship and it spills out when we hit a bump in our romantic relationship.
Our Perception of Relationship
By examining our individual perceptions of relationship (again perceptions formed as a result of observation and personal decisions), we can decide if these perceptions are useful to us now and even “unlearn” the ones that keep us from closeness and love. Whether we witnessed an abusive marriage between our parents, a divorce, a strong relationship or years of “my prince will come” fairy tales, are perceptions are formed.
The Foundation
The foundational ten key building blocks are the same for any relationship regardless of its current condition or its history. Whether a brand new relationship or one decades old, similar elements apply in any strong, loving, successful relationship:
love
commitment
honesty
being seen
empathetic listening
mutual respect
common goals/interests
intimacy
conflict resolution
communication
Each of these characteristics are important and each member of the relationship should have an understanding of its meaning as it pertains to their relationship. In other words, “what does commitment mean to us - individually and as a couple?” Don’t assume that it means the same to your SO as it means to you.
"A client once told us, “we broke up. I had no idea she wasn’t as committed as I was.”
“I’m sorry this is so painful for you,” Skip offered, “had you discussed commitment? Did you understand her expectations?”
“No. I thought they were like mine.”
“So when the pain has passed and you’ve healed, what will you do differently in your next relationship?”
“Oh, I don’t want to be in another relationship!”
“Why not, you’ve just learned a valuable tool to create a stronger one!”
It did take some time but he tried again and enjoyed his next relationship.
Learning New Communication Tools
We aren’t born knowing how to successfully navigate relationships. It’s like riding a bike. You jump on the bike, you ride. You fall off and get hurt. You get back on the bike and learn to slow down, be more careful, stay out of traffic and away from hills - or you don’t and repeat the unfortunate incident. Our experience of life will change as long as we learn from our failures and APPLY the new tools/awareness to new similar situations.
Awareness is the Key
These new tools can be just a little tricky. They often go against the ways we are used to interacting in a relationship so the tools can feel awkward at first. It’s only because we can spend a lifetime learning mistaken beliefs and unproductive behaviors that keep us stuck in an unwanted relationship cycle.
“A client once told us, ‘I keep dating the same guy over and over.’”
A client once came to us, “I keep dating the same guy over and over.” I couldn’t hide my grin as I glanced toward Skip. “Oh, he looks different each time and has a different name but deep down they are the same guy.”
But after some examination of her life decisions and some new communication tools, she is more at choice about how her relationships progress and who she chooses to date.
Gaining new Understanding and Skill
When we gain new understanding and learn new skills in these 10 key relationship areas, it can bring new life to a relationship that is not currently meeting your needs or help in your search for a new love.
We will examine each key area in detail in future posts. We invite you to signup for our updates and we will notify you when each new blog is published.
LISTENING - one of the 10 keys of a strong, loving relationship
COMMON INTERESTS - one of the 10 keys to a strong, loving relationship
Want to know more about us?
Ready to set a discovery appointment?
Reach out to us:
The 10 Keys to Creating a Loving Relationship
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed and all the rest.
[This post may contain recommended products/services for your consideration. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. There is no cost to you.]
The 10 keys?
Meeting “the One”
OK. So you’ve met “the One.” The chemistry is right. The first conversation - heartfelt and a little flirty - has gone ok. Work history and income potential are satisfactory. In short, the first hurdle has been successfully negotiated. But now what?!
Road to Romance
As the relationship progresses with this new significant other (SO), bumps and potholes in the road to romance are bound to appear. On the surface, this may not be a big deal. People are unique and will absolutely handle confrontation, disagreements and everything else in different ways - some more successfully than others.
There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close, resolve conflict, be honest, stay committed, and all the rest. Among those “things” are the cultural norms we see through today’s connected mediums, the relationship models we observe in our families and friends, as well as the decisions we make about who we are as an individual and our place in the world.
“There are many elements that come into play while we are working out how to be close...”
We bring all this data to the relationship and it spills out when we hit a bump in our romantic relationship.
Our Perception of Relationship
By examining our individual perceptions of relationship (again perceptions formed as a result of observation and personal decisions), we can decide if these perceptions are useful to us now and even “unlearn” the ones that keep us from closeness and love. Whether we witnessed an abusive marriage between our parents, a divorce, a strong relationship or years of “my prince will come” fairy tales, are perceptions are formed.
The Foundation
The foundational ten key building blocks are the same for any relationship regardless of its current condition or its history. Whether a brand new relationship or one decades old, similar elements apply in any strong, loving, successful relationship:
love
commitment
honesty
being seen
empathetic listening
mutual respect
common goals/interests
intimacy
conflict resolution
communication
Each of these characteristics are important and each member of the relationship should have an understanding of its meaning as it pertains to their relationship. In other words, “what does commitment mean to us - individually and as a couple?” Don’t assume that it means the same to your SO as it means to you.
"A client once told us, “we broke up. I had no idea she wasn’t as committed as I was.”
“I’m sorry this is so painful for you,” Skip offered, “had you discussed commitment? Did you understand her expectations?”
“No. I thought they were like mine.”
“So when the pain has passed and you’ve healed, what will you do differently in your next relationship?”
“Oh, I don’t want to be in another relationship!”
“Why not, you’ve just learned a valuable tool to create a stronger one!”
It did take some time but he tried again and enjoyed his next relationship.
Learning New Communication Tools
We aren’t born knowing how to successfully navigate relationships. It’s like riding a bike. You jump on the bike, you ride. You fall off and get hurt. You get back on the bike and learn to slow down, be more careful, stay out of traffic and away from hills - or you don’t and repeat the unfortunate incident. Our experience of life will change as long as we learn from our failures and APPLY the new tools/awareness to new similar situations.
Awareness is the Key
These new tools can be just a little tricky. They often go against the ways we are used to interacting in a relationship so the tools can feel awkward at first. It’s only because we can spend a lifetime learning mistaken beliefs and unproductive behaviors that keep us stuck in an unwanted relationship cycle.
“A client once told us, ‘I keep dating the same guy over and over.’”
A client once came to us, “I keep dating the same guy over and over.” I couldn’t hide my grin as I glanced toward Skip. “Oh, he looks different each time and has a different name but deep down they are the same guy.”
But after some examination of her life decisions and some new communication tools, she is more at choice about how her relationships progress and who she chooses to date.
Gaining new Understanding and Skill
When we gain new understanding and learn new skills in these 10 key relationship areas, it can bring new life to a relationship that is not currently meeting your needs or help in your search for a new love.
We will examine each key area in detail in future posts. We invite you to signup for our updates and we will notify you when each new blog is published.
LISTENING - one of the 10 keys of a strong, loving relationship
COMMON INTERESTS - one of the 10 keys to a strong, loving relationship
Want to know more about us?
Ready to set a discovery appointment?
Reach out to us:
Should you hire a Certified Couples Coach?
Are you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?
[This post may contain recommended products/services for your consideration. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. There is no cost to you.]
Considering hiring a relationship coach?
How’s your relationship? Are you fighting all the time? Thinking of leaving him? Found out she had an affair? Not sure you can make a lifelong commitment? You’re in love but the marriage has stalled? Your mother, brother or best friend say dump ‘em but you’re not sure you want to end it? Consider a certified relationship coach to help you untangle the issues and teach you how to repair the relationship.
At Swies Life Coaching, we focus on building strong, loving relationships - all kinds of relationships.
What’s a “relationship” life coach?
A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and work through tough times. Whether your goal is to repair and improve the relationship or to ease the transition while you both go new directions, a coach can facilitate the process and help each of you heal and move on with considerably less baggage.
So what does a great relationship coach do?
Help you identify your desired outcome
Listen and empathize
Assist you in understanding how you got to this place
Facilitate the healing process
Encourage you to focus on your next step.
“A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and facilitate healing and transitions.”
In turn the client should
Stay curious
Set aside blame and opt for finding new ground
Focus on healing self and learning more about who they are
Be willing to come to the table for open and honest dialogue
Be self-reflective with a vision of their goal for the relationship.
If your goal is to get the coach to side with you or “to win” or if revenge is your highest priority, you’re likely to be disappointed with your experience of working with a relationship coach. And, more importantly, you may be likely to repeat the patterns that got you into that unsatisfying relationship in the first place. To paraphrase, if you don’t understand your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.
“A great life coach is empathetic yet neutral and encourages the client to find their own answers.”
Maybe you’re not in a relationship currently but would like to understand yourself better, move beyond past hurts, gain a clearer perspective about your goals and vision for the future. A life coach can assist you to heal the past, enjoy the present and see future clarity.
OK, so a relationship coach is sounding pretty good to you. Now how do you go about finding one?
Location:
Decide if geographic location is important to you. If face-to-face sessions are a priority to you, obviously you’ll center your search around nearby coaches but include traffic and travel time into your choice. While there are certainly advantages to being able to see a coach in your neighborhood, I advise you to not make location your top priority. Our clientele overwhelmingly choose online sessions and we have clients from all over the country. Zoom provides an excellent experience without the stress of roundtrip traveling, parking, time from work, babysitting, etc. Most coaches (as we do) can accommodate the choice of the client. Online sessions also allow us to see our clients from all over the country,
Gender:
Again this is personal preference and you will need to decide how important it is in your decision. I caution you to consider your choices. Choosing the opposite sex may give you an entirely different perspective. I know Skip is one of the safest men that women could possibly choose (my personal bias is noted) but it is critical whenever a client is dealing with trauma that they feel safe. Keep an open mind about who you choose but most coaches offer some kind or get acquainted session and you take advantage of that. Trust your intuition about the coach. Sometimes you may need to meet with several coaches before making your choice. Bottom line is if gender/sexual orientation is important, by all means, make it a requirement for your short list.
Style:
I don’t mean fashion sense but the style they choose to interact with their clients. Coaches can be highly interactive, action-oriented, empathetic listeners. You might not realize how important this can be but consider “Sally” who grew up in a big family and may have had trouble “being heard”. It probably wouldn’t serve Sally to be with a headstrong talker - big on advice. Focus on a coach whose style will not fight yours and will allow you to internalize the feedback so you can move toward a positive result.
Certification:
A coach should be certified as a coach but might not have a license (like a social worker or psychiatrist). Experience is also important although new coaches in a partnership can suffice. Their bio should include enough info to determine whether they be on the short list.
Most coaches provide free/low-cost phone or in-person sessions so you can assess your compatibility. Ask questions. Will the coach see couples individually as well as together? Are sessions in-person or zoom or combination? Does the coach focus on feedback or just listens? In return your coach will likely be asking about the nature of your relationship concerns and what outcome you are hoping to achieve. Depending on how this initial visit feels to you, you can schedule more appointments, consider other coaches, or think about it for a few days.
A life coach can be an empathetic, independent confidant that can help couples get through hard times and develop new skills to make their relationship stronger or to assist the individuals in separating and moving on in a supportive, positive manner.
Want to know more about us?
Ready to set up a discovery appointment?
Recommended reading:
This is a practical guide to discovering the secrets of a great marriage. It has helpful ideas and exercises to gain a better understanding of each other’s needs. The Fergusons are directors of Intimate Life Christian Ministries.
Have questions or comments about hiring a life coach?