Something Becomes More Important
OR your argument is not about what you think it’s about
Couple in crisis
Have you ever been involved in a minor disagreement with a significant other (or friend or co-worker) and had the minor altercation suddenly explode into a major argument?!
You can feel yourself getting defensive, “oh Yeah? Well you…” and the other participant starts aggressively accusing you of all kinds of things - real and imagined. WTH happened? Why did the argument get so out of control?!
Bigger than Life
We’ve all been there. A simple disagreement suddenly takes on a life of its own. Ever wonder what’s going on? In these situations, Something Becomes More Important (SBMI) than the disagreement or even the relationship involved.
Somewhere in the middle of the disagreement, you time-warp back to last week or a year ago or maybe your childhood when you experienced a different, traumatic event and you were bullied, defeated, humiliated, abused, or hurt. The current disagreement may feel the same to you - small, defeated, like a loser so you ramp up the argument, the noise, the emotion in order to secure a “win”. Your ego wants to WIN this one so you don’t feel small and stupid like you use to when your big brother would pick on you (or the kid down the street or your dad, etc.)
No one likes to feel defeated or humiliated so it’s a natural reaction to want to win an argument and getting “bigger than life” is sometimes the tactic we use. Arguments can spark a disagreement about specifics but we sometimes take that on as meaning something about us personally -
I’m less than
I’m stupid
I can’t defend myself
I’m a loser
“Winning” the Argument
Defensiveness is an automatic by-product and solving the conflict becomes less important than preserving the image of the ego itself.
When “winning the argument” becomes the focus, the relationship is further damaged and the original disagreement remains unresolved.
Changing the Outcome
So what do we do? To change the outcome, we have to check our egos at the door and remain focused enough to notice when the discussion begins spiraling into an argument.
Let’s set the scene -
The husband arrived at home and has started the kids on homework. The wife arrives soon after.
W:”What’s for dinner?”
H:”Whadayamean?! I thought you would bring dinner home!”
W:”Why would you think that?! You said you’d cook!”
H:”I had a horrible day, missed a deadline and you expect me to get the kids AND COOK!” [Notice the bad day inserts itself into this unconnected argument]
W:”We talked about this at breakfast, you never listen to me! I just don’t feel important to you and you NEVER keep your promises!!” [The wife has now started bringing up transgressions from the distant past instead focusing on the moment]
Does this scenario feel familiar? Notice how quickly solving the dinner dilemma escalated into hurt feelings and past disloyalty.
“What if they gave a war and nobody came?”
This famous quote by Carl Sandburg (I believe) is the key to solving the disagreement. De-escalate and refocus every time you feel the disagreement get out of control - no matter who started the spiraling or “who’s right”. When the energy starts to turn negative and get out of hand - stop, pause and disconnect from the negativity. Say something to acknowledge the situation, “Wow this discussion has a lot more energy than I anticipated. I’d like to stop for 30 seconds and collect my thoughts. Is that ok with you?” Then take a deep breath, calm yourself and begin the discussion in a normal, neutral tone working toward a solution.
Make sure you are speaking in “I” phrases when you ask for a break. “You are out of control man! There’s no talking to you when you’re like this!” are not helpful phrases for this situation. Would you be willing to de-escalate if someone said to you, “You’re acting crazy! Let me know when you’ve calmed down!” Probably not, so make sure your request to lower the temp of the discussion doesn’t include an accusation.
Sometimes there’s too much heat
I’ve had people ask me on occasion how to react if the other refuses to take a pause or consider any other outcome besides “winning” the argument. This can be very frustrating. My advice is to set your boundary and maintain your goal. “Look I’m not interested in fighting with you. My goal is to find a new way to look at this problem and create a solution we can both agree to keep. I’ll be available after lunch if you’d like to find a new solution,” and walk away. Reach out later to say “Can we discuss the issue now? I’ve thought of a couple possible fixes but I look forward to hearing your input and ideas.”
If that kind of interaction doesn’t work, consider getting co-workers involved for a group think or consider a counselor/coach to help both partners in the love relationship learn new habits for conflict resolution. Your safety is a priority so do what is necessary to protect yourself at that moment. It is imperative to remove yourself from a dangerous situation so you can consider your options going forward. Get safe, get help and re-strategize your life.
Our married couple creates a new SBMI of finding a solution
So back to our married couple’s dinner dilemma. Solve the immediate problem first.
H:”Hey we have frozen pizzas. Let’s toss one in for the kids.”
W:”Great! And I’ll toss a salad.”
Ok. Immediate needs handled. But the problem still lingers.
W:”I’m sorry you had such a lousy day. Missing deadlines suck. And I’m sorry the discussion before turned into a shouting match. Sometimes I just don’t feel on an equal footing with you when we argue - I wonder if that comes from being the littlest in my family? How can we solve the dinner problem going forward?”
H:”What if we hang a calendar with dinners assigned and who’s in charge of cooking? Would you be ok with taking Tuesdays since I usually work later those days?”
W:”That should work. We could spend 15 minutes or so planning the week and creating the shopping list. Can we take turns buying the groceries?”
H:”You know, I plan every second of my day at work on my phone. Why hasn’t it occurred to me to plan the rest of my day - who picks up the kids, who makes dinner, and so on? We each might get a day off once in a while!”
W:”Wow that would be fun - I could plan a girl’s dinner in the city once a month and you could schedule a poker night! And we could plan date nights. It’s been forever since we’ve had an evening together.”
Not only has the negative, over the top energy dissipated but they’ve managed to solve several problems at the same time and accomplished the most important goal in any loving relationship - closeness.
Problem solved
That’s quite a difference! The SBMI is feeding the family, resolving the problem and maintaining the relationship. Working it out and feeling good about it was much more important than if anybody “won”.
And they managed to focus on the problem, find a suitable solution, have a positive impact on their children (who no longer need to hear them argue) as well as their own relationship and even extend that positive solution to their circle of friends by providing new social interactions.
I also realize that this sounds so easy - and it is - but breaking the old habits and not getting engaged in the first place is harder to achieve.
My husband, Skip, and I have taught and coached people to build stronger, more loving relationships for decades and we love it. I will confess that, once in a while, we will still get plugged into an argument and it will escalate quickly into shouting and accusations. Then one of us smiles and we stop to laugh and share a kiss or two then start the discussion all over again this time focused on the solution we want to achieve.
It sure is better than the alternative.
If we can be of help in finding the root problem of your relationship issues and developing new methods to interact, just let us know. We’ll happily schedule an appointment for you or for both of you.