How A Good Dad Changes A Daughter’s Life

Sometimes staying dry isn’t the most important thing

The Difference a Dad makes

There’s something deeply reassuring about the presence of a kind, attentive father in a daughter’s life. A dad who shows up - emotionally and physically - offers a special kind of safety that can’t be easily replaced. In contrast, a daughter who grows up with a neglectful, abusive or absent father often carries an invisible weight, even long into adulthood. An absent father includes instances when a father leaves the family by choice or because of divorce or dies.

Let me be clear, I am not blaming or simplifying the many complex reasons why fathers may fall short. I am writing to honor what happens when a daughter is well-fathered and gently exploring what can unfold when she isn’t.

At Swies Life Coach, our clients who are also fathers, appear all along the “Dad” spectrum from saint to non-present. Many, however, wish their relationships with their daughters were stronger, deeper. Most have no clue how to make that happen. That’s where we come in.

What Exactly Does Well-fathered Mean?

It’s about having a father who is consistently present, respectful, emotionally attuned and protective without being controlling. A well-fathered daughter grows up believing she matters - because someone important consistently treated her like she did.

Alfred Adler, the renowned Austrian psychiatrist, emphasized that all people seek to belong and feel significant. He believed that children thrive when they feel connected and valued within their families. When a father shows his daughter that she is valued, respected and capable, she internalizes that message.

As Rudolf Dreikurs, Adler’s student and a pioneer in parenting and discipline, put it: “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.”

And it has an impact on all parts of daughter’s psyche. Let’s consider a few.

Self-Worth and Identity

From a young age, a daughter looks into her father’s eyes and learns who she is. When those eyes are warm, curious and proud, she begins to understand that she is worthy. When she struggles with insecurities, as we all do from time to time, she can rely on a foundation of worthiness while she recenters her compass and looks forward.

However, a daughter with a distant, cruel or missing father often spends years trying to answer a core question “Am I enough?” She may seek affirmation in achievements or perfectionism looking for that single event or person that can validate her existence.

Adler noted that feelings of inferiority are part of the human condition. The key is how those feelings are managed. Does the child (and then the adult) use such occasions to serve as motivation to grow and keep trying or are they evidence of a persistent, painful sense of inadequacy?

Relationships with Men

Having experienced a respectful and safe male presence, a well-fathered daughter has a template for what love can look like. She may be more likely to recognize red flags and instead choose partners who treat her with dignity. She may still face heartaches - as we all do - but she’ll be better equipped to leave unhealthy relationships to seek nurturing ones. She is likely to also realize that the breakup is not because she is inherently flawed, unlovable or unworthy.

For a neglected and/or abused daughter, love and pain are often entwined. She may feel she has to “earn” the love she gets or she simply isn’t worthy to be in a loving relationship. These daughters may find themselves choosing neglectful or abusive partners and even sabotaging a relationship if the partner exhibits healthy relationship habits.

Confidence and Ambition

When a supportive father encourages his daughters ideas, praises her effort, listens to her opinions - a daughter learns that her voice matters. She’s more likely to participate fully in her world. Adler said “encouragement fosters the courage to face life’s problems.” Without that encouragement, she may doubt her abilities or not try at all. A critical father can crush a daughter’s willingness to expand her horizons.

Emotional Resilience

Emotional safety is important for everyone. A supportive father doesn’t shame tears or demand “walk it off” toughness. Modeling how to handle feelings in a healthy, grounded way will show his daughter that feelings and processing through the strong emotions is the best way to handle hard times.

Without emotional regulation, a neglected or abandoned daughter may choose to bottle up or suppress her emotions and either learn to numb herself completely or explode without warning.

So What do we do NOW?

Whether you are the daughter of a supportive father who was consistently by your side, lending an ear, cheering you on or still trying to heal the wounds of an absent or cruel father, your destiny is not carved in stone.

Healing is possible with counseling, intentional self-reflection and practicing new helpful skills a wounded daughter can learn to live fully in spite of her trauma.

Fathers can grow and begin to repair relationships and be supportive in positive ways. Even the most strained relationship can transform.

Other father figures matter and powerful, positive support can come from coaches, mentors, uncles, etc.

Daughters can re-parent themselves with new skills and often the help of a coach, a woman can nurture the neglected parts of herself and become the encouraging voice she never heard.

Adler reminds us that we are not victims of fate - we are not doomed to go through life poorly fathered. Although we are shaped by our experiences - we are also the shapers of our lives and the writers of new endings to old stories.

Men: ready to change your life circumstances? SWIES LIFE COACH can help you improve your fathering skills.

Daughters: write a new ending to your life story by healing past traumas and setting a new course for yourself. SWIES LIFE COACH can counsel you along your journey.

The Starfish Story

Image by Pedro Lastra (Unsplash)

The sun had just appeared above the horizon minutes ago. A young man emerged from his bungalow and began walking along the beach just above the water.

After traveling some distance, he noticed an old man far off in the distance ahead of him. He was standing along the water’s edge and occasionally he would stoop to the sand then appear to throw something into the water. He did this odd action dozens of times before the young man finally reached a place where he could actually understand what was happening.

The old man, bent and grizzly, was stooping to reach the starfish strewn along the sand where the tide had deposited them the night before. As the young man watched him perform this act over and over again, he realized there were hundreds - maybe thousands - of starfish along this stretch of beach. The young man also noticed that the sun had risen high enough that the air temperature was climbing rapidly. Soon it would be too hot for the starfish to survive on the hot sands.

The old man continued his never-ending task tossing starfish back into the ocean one at a time when the younger man broke the sound of the crashing waves by asking several questions without giving the older gentleman time to reply.

“What are you doing? Why are you throwing the starfish back into the water? There must be a thousand starfish along the beach! An old man like you, all by himself, cannot possibly clear the shoreline of all these starfish. How can it possibly matter?

The old man paused for a moment, but only a moment, and looking down at the starfish in his hand replied,

“It matters to this one, it matters to this one.”

This original story by Loren Eiseley.

Starting the New Year Off Right on January 1

A day of letting go, reaffirming, envisioning the future, planning for joy!

This time of year, there always seems to be a plethora of newscasts, magazine articles, blog posts, insta-videos about the virtues and necessity of reorganizing your life as we reach the new year. And here’s another one!

Yes, today I’m writing about letting go of 2024 and jumping headlong into 2025. The focus is about identifying things you do that disturb relationships and get in the way of you getting what you want out of life. Then working on new habits that will help you create the life you want. So how do we do that, exactly?

Unsplash photo by Sincerely Media

First Things First

As Stephen Covey said, first things first. So start with your current condition -

• what parts of your life are working for you

• what goals were reached

• what goals are now obsolete

Now begin to envision next year. It’s important that you don’t filter. The purpose of the vision is not to filter by what you think you can actually achieve but what you’d like your life to look like.

List Next Year’s Personal Goals

Career, relationship, educational, whatever - list them all as the come to you. To qualify, we’re talking big picture here. Not having spaghetti for dinner on Thursday kind of goal. Focus on grand goals right now like moving to Montana, completing the nursing degree, buying a new car kind of goals. You can also make a list of long-term goals (meaning over a year for expected result). It’s a good idea to look far down the road. My caution is to monitor your stress at this point.

A list of 50 big life goals to achieve over the next 10 years would cause me a good deal of stress - something I prefer to avoid at all costs. Some of those long-term goals might be better put on the bucket list which is sort of the back-burner goal list. Those goals can move to the priority list as your life evolves or your burning desire intensifies.

Focusing on the next year goals, once you are happy with the list you can start prioritizing. [Special Note: if you are a visual person, a treasure map using photos of your goals might work well for you; or try writing the goals on a small white-board or big piece of paper. Either of these methods can activate neuropathways and so is more productive than using the computer for this exercise.]

Prioritize and Set Intention

Going over your list for next year (you can do long-term and bucket list later), make sure each goal is achievable, inspirational and measurable.

For example, go to the dentist for cleaning and exam is a necessity and worthwhile task but it is also a to-do kind of thing and not a goal that inspires.

You can put be a ballerina on your list every year but in reality if you haven’t been preparing since childhood, it’s not likely achievable. It could be achievable theoretically but are you really up for the physical demands of such a goal. Just closely examine motives for these “astronaut” kind of goals.

BUT how about shifting the ballerina goal to attend an adult jazz dance class or learn line-dancing or something similar? Now it’s something that nearly anyone could attain.

Unsplash photo by Ardian Lumi

This process helps you set your intention. You’ve chosen your goals because of the vision you hold of your ideal life. You’ve gone over the list and given it a reality check - achievable, inspirational and measurable. You’ve set your intention - yes, this is something I want to attain!

Countdown to achievement

Now it’s time to document your plan to reach the goals - one at a time or overlapping depending upon what goals you’ve chosen and the limitations that may be involved (money, time, physical abilities, etc.)

Break goals down into monthly steps and weekly or daily steps again depending upon the specific goal. What has to happen when and in what order to move you closer to success. Is it a gradual, daily process like losing weight or training for a marathon? Then daily steps need to be designed and planned for and celebrated when achieved. Maybe it’s a little more random like saving money to buy a house. So possibly the first goal is the extra part-time job and the steps are the wages you are able to save as a result depending upon how many hours you can work.

All along the way, monitor you progress so you can adjust the steps (or even sometimes the goal) as you move through the year.

Falling behind? Ask yourself why you might not have wanted that goal. Your answer is likely “of course I wanted the goal. I wrote it down!” But your results say it was either unrealistic or you lost your intention. This is not to beat yourself up. “I’m such a failure! I’ll never get that new car.” The purpose of the re-examining your commitment is to see what corrections have to be made. Maybe you decided to finish your degree not for you but because your mother always set that expectation. “I was so hoping that ONE of my children would graduate college.”

That’s not your goal but hers. Be truthful with yourself. Is it something you really want? If so, adjust your plan, re-commit and go for it. However if it was something you chose to appease your mother, maybe you need to let it go.

Summing Up

Setting goals is a very human thing to do. We wouldn’t take a vacation without some kind of plan where we might go and what to pack, right? Why would we live a life of 80 years without some idea of where we’d like to live it and what it might look like?

Don’t trip through your life, step boldly and with purpose!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAke IT BE YOUR BEST YEAR YET!

Something Becomes More Important

OR your argument is not about what you think it’s about

Couple in crisis

Have you ever been involved in a minor disagreement with a significant other (or friend or co-worker) and had the minor altercation suddenly explode into a major argument?!

You can feel yourself getting defensive, “Oh Yeah? Well you…” and the other participant starts aggressively accusing you of all kinds of things - real and imagined. WTH happened? Why did the argument get so out of control?!

Bigger than Life

We’ve all been there. A simple disagreement suddenly takes on a life of its own. Ever wonder what’s going on? In these situations, Something Becomes More Important (SBMI) than the disagreement or even the relationship involved.

Somewhere in the middle of the disagreement, you time-warp back to last week or a year ago or maybe your childhood when you experienced a different, traumatic event and you were bullied, defeated, humiliated, abused, or hurt. The current disagreement may feel the same to you - small, defeated, like a loser so you ramp up the argument, the noise, the emotion in order to secure a “win”. Your ego wants to WIN this one so you don’t feel small and stupid like you use to when your big brother would pick on you (or the kid down the street or your dad, etc.)

No one likes to feel defeated or humiliated so it’s a natural reaction to want to win an argument and getting “bigger than life” is sometimes the tactic we use. Arguments can spark a disagreement about specifics but we sometimes take that on as meaning something about us personally -

• I’m less than

• I’m stupid

• I can’t defend myself

• I’m a loser

“Winning” the Argument

Defensiveness is an automatic by-product and solving the conflict becomes less important than preserving the image of the ego itself.

When “winning the argument” becomes the focus, the relationship is further damaged and the original disagreement remains unresolved.

Reach out to us at 512-589-3422 to schedule your first session. We’re looking forward to it.

Changing the Outcome

So what do we do? To change the outcome, we have to check our egos at the door and remain focused enough to notice when the discussion begins spiraling into an argument.

Let’s set the scene -

The husband arrived at home and has started the kids on homework. The wife arrives soon after.

W:”What’s for dinner?”

H:”Whadayamean?! I thought you would bring dinner home!”

W:”Why would you think that?! You said you’d cook!”

H:”I had a horrible day, missed a deadline and you expect me to get the kids AND COOK!” [Notice the bad day inserts itself into this unconnected argument]

W:”We talked about this at breakfast, you never listen to me! I just don’t feel important to you and you NEVER keep your promises!!” [The wife has now started bringing up transgressions from the past instead focusing on the moment]

Does this scenario feel familiar? Notice how quickly solving the dinner dilemma escalated into hurt feelings and past disloyalty.

“What if they gave a war and nobody came?”

This famous quote by Carl Sandburg (I believe) is the key to solving the disagreement. De-escalate and refocus every time you feel the disagreement get out of control - no matter who started the spiraling or “who’s right”. When the energy starts to turn negative and get out of hand - stop, pause and disconnect from the negativity. Say something to acknowledge the situation, “Wow this discussion has a lot more energy than I anticipated. I’d like to stop for 30 seconds and collect my thoughts. Is that ok with you?” Then take a deep breath, calm yourself and begin the discussion in a normal, neutral tone working toward a solution.

Make sure you are speaking in “I” phrases when you ask for a break. “You are out of control man! There’s no talking to you when you’re like this!” are not helpful phrases for this situation. Would you be willing to de-escalate if someone said to you, “You’re acting crazy! Let me know when you’ve calmed down!” Probably not, so make sure your request to lower the temp of the discussion doesn’t include an accusation.

Sometimes there’s too much heat

I’ve had people ask me on occasion how to react if the other refuses to take a pause or consider any other outcome besides “winning” the argument. This can be very frustrating. My advice is to set your boundary and maintain your goal. “Look I’m not interested in fighting with you. My goal is to find a new way to look at this problem and create a solution we can both agree to keep. I’ll be available after lunch if you’d like to find a new solution,” and walk away. Reach out later to say “Can we discuss the issue now? I’ve thought of a couple possible fixes but I look forward to hearing your input and ideas.”

If that kind of interaction doesn’t work, consider getting co-workers involved for a group think or consider a counselor/coach to help both partners in the love relationship learn new habits for conflict resolution. Your safety is a priority so do what is necessary to protect yourself at that moment. It is imperative to remove yourself from a dangerous situation so you can consider your options going forward. Get safe, get help and re-strategize your life.

Our married couple creates a new SBMI for finding a solution

So back to our married couple’s dinner dilemma. Solve the immediate problem first.

H:”Hey we have frozen pizzas. Let’s toss one in for the kids.”

W:”Great! And I’ll toss a salad.”

Ok. Immediate needs handled. But the problem still lingers.

W:”I’m sorry you had such a lousy day. Missing deadlines suck. And I’m sorry the discussion before turned into a shouting match. Sometimes I just don’t feel on an equal footing with you when we argue - I wonder if that comes from being the littlest in my family? How can we solve the dinner problem going forward?”

H:”What if we hang a calendar with dinners assigned and who’s in charge of cooking? Would you be ok with taking Tuesdays since I usually work later those days?”

W:”That should work. We could spend 15 minutes or so planning the week and creating the shopping list. Can we take turns buying the groceries?”

H:”You know, I plan every second of my day at work on my phone. Why hasn’t it occurred to me to plan the rest of my day - who picks up the kids, who makes dinner, and so on? We each might get a day off once in a while!”

W:”Wow that would be fun - I could plan a girl’s dinner in the city once a month and you could schedule a poker night! And we could plan date nights. It’s been forever since we’ve had an evening together.”

Not only has the negative, over the top energy dissipated but they’ve managed to solve several problems at the same time and accomplished the most important goal in any loving relationship - closeness.

Problem solved

That’s quite a difference! The SBMI is feeding the family, resolving the problem and maintaining the relationship. Working it out and feeling good about it was much more important than if anybody “won”.

And they managed to focus on the problem, find a suitable solution, have a positive impact on their children (who no longer need to hear them argue) as well as their own relationship and even extend that positive solution to their circle of friends by providing new social interactions.

I also realize that this sounds so easy - and it is - but breaking the old habits and not getting engaged in the first place is harder to achieve.

My husband, Skip, and I have taught and coached people to build stronger, more loving relationships for decades and we love it. I will confess that, once in a while, we will still get plugged into an argument and it will escalate quickly. Then one of us smiles and we stop to laugh and share a kiss or two then start the discussion all over again this time focused on the solution we want to achieve. It’s gotten us through 50+ years of marriage so it’s a pretty good idea.

It sure is better than the alternative.

If we can be of help in finding the root problem of your relationship issues and developing new methods to interact, just let us know. We’ll happily schedule an appointment for you or for both of you.