Is Private Logic Running Your Show?
Are your inner beliefs helping or holding you back? Learn the difference between private logic and common sense, and how coaching can shift your story toward greater peace, connection, and personal freedom.
OR Understanding the Inner Narratives that Shape Your Life
Have you ever wondered why two people can go through similar experiences and come out with completely different beliefs about themselves and the world?
One person grows up with scarcity and decides, “I will never be poor again — I must achieve at all costs.” Another grows up the same way and says, “Money isn’t worth chasing — it only brings conflict.” Same outer world, but very different inner stories.
Alfred Adler, the brilliant mind behind Individual Psychology, had a name for those internal stories we carry: private logic. And he contrasted it with something more grounded and universal: common sense.
Let’s explore what he meant — and how understanding this difference could change your life, your relationships, and even your happiness.
What is Private Logic?
Adler believed that every person develops a unique set of beliefs, assumptions, and conclusions about life — often based on early childhood experiences. This internal framework is what he called private logic.
Private logic isn't necessarily logical at all. It's just our logic. It’s the way we individually interpret our experiences and make sense of our place in the world.
Think of it like this: private logic is your personal operating system. You’ve been programming it since you were a child — sometimes consciously, but mostly without realizing it.
Here are a few examples of private logic:
“I have to please others to be loved.”
“If I don’t control everything, everything will fall apart.”
“I’m not smart enough to succeed, so why try?”
“Conflict means rejection, so I’ll just keep quiet.”
These beliefs may not be true, but they feel true. That’s the problem.
Enter: Common Sense
In contrast, Adler referred to common sense as ideas that align with reality, cooperation, community, and mutual respect. It’s the kind of thinking that works well in the social world — in families, workplaces, friendships, and broader society.
Where private logic is subjective, emotional, and self-protective, common sense is objective, relational, and socially useful.
Here are some examples of common sense thinking:
“Everyone makes mistakes — it’s how we learn.”
“It’s okay to ask for help.”
“My value isn’t tied to my performance.”
“A disagreement doesn’t mean the relationship is broken.”
See the difference?
Common sense thinking leads to cooperation, connection, and growth. Private logic, if unchecked, can lead to isolation, rigidity, or emotional pain.
Where Does Private Logic Come From?
Private logic usually takes shape during childhood as we try to make sense of our experiences and find ways to belong, survive, and feel significant.
For example, if a child grows up feeling overlooked, they might form a private logic that says, “I must be the best or I’ll be invisible.” That belief might help them succeed academically or professionally — but it might also leave them feeling exhausted, lonely, or like they’re never enough.
Private logic is a creative solution to an emotional challenge — but it can become outdated as we grow.
Adler often pointed out that much of adult distress comes from continuing to use old private logic in new life situations where it no longer fits.
Why the Conflict Between Private Logic and Common Sense Matters
When our private logic clashes with common sense, we experience distress, misunderstandings, or relationship problems.
Let’s say your private logic says, “If I’m vulnerable, people will hurt me.” But your partner or friend wants deeper emotional connection. That clash creates conflict — not because one of you is wrong, but because your private logic is running the show.
Adler saw healing and growth as the process of bringing private logic into alignment with common sense. That means examining the beliefs you’ve lived by and asking: Are they true? Are they helpful? Are they still serving me?
This is one of the reasons coaching or counseling can be so transformational — it offers a safe place to uncover your private logic and gently challenge the parts that are keeping you stuck.
READ THE ABOVE SECTION AGAIN. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT STUFF! IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
How to Recognize Private Logic in Your Own Life
Here are a few clues that your private logic might be running the show:
You have recurring relationship conflicts that seem familiar, but you’re not sure why they keep happening.
You react strongly to certain triggers, even when you know your response is a bit “extra.”
You feel stuck, even though you’re working hard.
You use harsh self-talk and feel deep shame when you make a mistake.
You often feel like you’re on the outside looking in, or that you don’t quite belong.
If any of that resonates, you’re not alone. We all have private logic. It’s not a flaw — it’s human.
The goal isn’t to erase it. The goal is to update it.
So, How Do You Align Private Logic with Common Sense?
Notice Patterns
Pay attention to where you feel frustrated, rejected, or not enough. These are often signs that private logic is whispering in your ear.Ask Curious Questions
What do I believe in this moment? Where did that belief come from? Is it actually true?Talk It Out
Sometimes just saying your private logic out loud — especially with a coach — makes it easier to spot how unhelpful it is.Try the “Friend Test”
Would I say this to someone I love? If not, why do I say it to myself?Experiment with New Behavior
Try behaving as if a common-sense belief were true. For example, what if you acted as if it’s okay to be imperfect? How might your day feel different?
Real-Life Example: Emily’s Story
Let’s say Emily grew up in a home where love felt conditional — she was praised when she succeeded but ignored when she failed. Her private logic became: “I must achieve to be loved.”
Now, as an adult, she’s a high-achiever who secretly fears that if she stops achieving, she’ll be worthless. This affects her work-life balance, her marriage, and her health.
In coaching, Emily begins to unpack this belief. She sees how it once protected her but now limits her. Over time, she starts replacing “I must earn love” with “I am worthy of love even when I rest.” That shift, from private logic to common sense, transforms her experience of life.
Why This Matters for Relationships, Growth, and Inner Peace
When we live by private logic, we’re often reacting to the past.
When we live by common sense, we’re choosing based on the present.
Adler believed that healthy living means moving from isolated self-focus (private logic) to social interest — a deep concern for contributing, connecting, and caring. It’s how we find meaning.
As coaches, one of the most powerful things we do is help people see the “invisible rules” they’ve been living by — and then rewrite them in ways that are compassionate, courageous, and wise.
Need Help Shifting Your Inner Story? We’re Here.
At Swies Life Coach, we specialize in helping individuals and couples recognize the outdated private logic that’s holding them back — and replace it with compassionate, clear-eyed, common-sense beliefs that promote healing and connection.
We bring decades of experience in transformational coaching, rooted in psychological wisdom and real-life application. Whether you’re facing personal pain, relationship strain, or just feel stuck in your story, we’re here to help.
Let’s talk.
Your private logic doesn’t have to run your life anymore.
Let’s align your inner world with the truth of your value, your potential, and your worth.
The Key to Conscious, Compassionate Listening
All relationships require a commitment to listening - empathetic, compassionate listening.
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A key to a strong, loving relationship
As I’m sitting here writing an ironic, one-sided blog about listening and I got to thinking about how important listening is in a relationship. Business, friends, family, love relationships all require a commitment to listening - effective listening.
How and Why of Listening
There are a number of ways to listen in a relationship:
listening to fix the problem
listening to win the argument
listening to assess blame
listening for accuracy
listening to provide support
listening to hear the feelings being expressed
listening for rebuttal
listening to be in the present moment
listening to understand
listening with empathy/concern
listening with the intention to be helpful
Now you may be saying “are there really ALL these kinds of listening?! No wonder we never resolve anything!” That’s the way it is for many of us, Our listening to others gets mixed up with our motives and intentions (like past issues, ego, anger, etc.) and it can hamper our compassionate listening. All parties involved must work to focus on being present and listening with an intent to be of service and understand and contribute to a solution rather than defeating or blaming the other.
“Business, friends, family, love relationships all require a commitment to listening - effective, conscious, compassionate listening.”
Pop Quiz
Here’s a pop quiz: Your significant other (SO) comes home complaining about their day at work. You respond by:
listening for the purpose of allowing your SO to let off some steam so they can be more present
listening to figure out how to fix the problem and be the hero
listening to your SO’s frustration and asking how they plan to handle/change the situation or if they’d like some input about resolving the issues.
listening while you scroll through your cell and offer an ill-timed “uh-huh” occasionally.
listening while waiting for SO to finish so you can tell them how awful your day was.
Which answer describes your usual response in this situation? Which response sound the most empowering? Are the two answers the same?
Empathetic Listening
Answers 1 and 3 are examples of empathetic or compassionate listening. Allowing the speaker to say what they need to express and paying attention to the content without being preoccupied about how you (as the listener) plans to respond or interrupting can be extremely helpful for someone under stress. If the discussion/argument centers on you, I know it can be hard to not switch to a defensive stance but it’s important to try to stay in the moment and let the other have their say.
New Listening Habits
So how do you get there? Acquire new habits to make listening more effective. It will likely be necessary to “unlearn” lifetime behaviors and incorporate new ones. Skip and I occasionally fall into old habits during a heated discussion but when we catch ourselves, we arrange for a “do-over”. “Sorry hon, I realize I was thinking about what to say next instead of really listening to you. Let me tell you what I think you were saying so you can make sure I have heard it correctly.”
Some of the new habits are:
Curiosity about what the other is feeling and saying
Displaying empathy and compassion
Asking how to be helpful (don’t assume)
Asking permission before offering a solution or advice
Repeating what’s been said to check accuracy
Interpreting to test your understanding
Holding an intention for a positive outcome
Helping create a plan for a solution (only if requested)
Increasing your level of caring and your interest in others
Speaking in “I” statements to avoid “you” accusations
Secret Tip for Success
Here’s a special tip. Whenever possible, encourage discussions (arguments without the energy and revenge) during neutral times. In other words, the time to discuss whose turn it was to make dinner is not 6:30 when the fam is starving and nerves are frayed. Throw in a pizza, toss a salad, eat, relax. Later or tomorrow start the conversation, “I want to create a plan to handle dinner responsibilities. I don’t want a fight when we get home every night. I thought we might try to do ‘X’. Do you have any ideas?”
Anger interferes with compassionate listening and hinders our ability to look for solutions.
Everyone Wants to be Heard
Everyone wants to be heard. It’s critical for children to feel heard and to learn to listen as they develop their self-image. Children who think they have no voice may find other ways to act out in order to “be heard”. When they become adults, children who feel they cannot make themselves be heard may also have trouble solving conflicts and listening to others since their focus is on formulating a strategy to make their view own be heard.
Make sure your SO feels important and heard. And, in turn, if you feel you are not being heard, say something! “Please don’t interrupt me. It makes me feel like you don’t think what I say is important.” or “Will you repeat back what I said so I know you heard me?”
Try holding hands during discussions like this. We have found that holding hands to re-establish the connection between the two of you, dissipates high emotion and allows both participants to focus more intently.
Final Thoughts
Two of the most important phrases you can speak in a relationship are
“I’m here. I’m listening.”
and
“How can I support you?”
Let us know how it goes — we’re listening too.
Ready to set a discovery appointment? Call or text us to set up a free 30 minute Discovery Appointment. 512-589-3422. We look forward to meeting you.
The next key characteristic of an empowered relationship we’ll talk about is Common Interests/Goals. Sign up for our notifications so you don’t miss a blog post.
Recommended reading:
A wonderful book about learning strong communication skills to empower your relationship.
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