Is Private Logic Running Your Show?

OR Understanding the Inner Narratives that Shape Your Life

Have you ever wondered why two people can go through similar experiences and come out with completely different beliefs about themselves and the world?

One person grows up with scarcity and decides, “I will never be poor again — I must achieve at all costs.” Another grows up the same way and says, “Money isn’t worth chasing — it only brings conflict.” Same outer world, but very different inner stories.

Alfred Adler, the brilliant mind behind Individual Psychology, had a name for those internal stories we carry: private logic. And he contrasted it with something more grounded and universal: common sense.

Let’s explore what he meant — and how understanding this difference could change your life, your relationships, and even your happiness.

What is Private Logic?

Adler believed that every person develops a unique set of beliefs, assumptions, and conclusions about life — often based on early childhood experiences. This internal framework is what he called private logic.

Private logic isn't necessarily logical at all. It's just our logic. It’s the way we individually interpret our experiences and make sense of our place in the world.

Think of it like this: private logic is your personal operating system. You’ve been programming it since you were a child — sometimes consciously, but mostly without realizing it.

Here are a few examples of private logic:

• “I have to please others to be loved.”

• “If I don’t control everything, everything will fall apart.”

• “I’m not smart enough to succeed, so why try?”

• “Conflict means rejection, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

These beliefs may not be true, but they feel true. That’s the problem.

Enter: Common Sense

In contrast, Adler referred to common sense as ideas that align with reality, cooperation, community, and mutual respect. It’s the kind of thinking that works well in the social world — in families, workplaces, friendships, and broader society.

Where private logic is subjective, emotional, and self-protective, common sense is objective, relational, and socially useful.

Here are some examples of common sense thinking:

• “Everyone makes mistakes — it’s how we learn.”

• “It’s okay to ask for help.”

• “My value isn’t tied to my performance.”

• “A disagreement doesn’t mean the relationship is broken.”

See the difference?

Common sense thinking leads to cooperation, connection, and growth. Private logic, if unchecked, can lead to isolation, rigidity, or emotional pain.

Where Does Private Logic Come From?

Private logic usually takes shape during childhood as we try to make sense of our experiences and find ways to belong, survive, and feel significant.

For example, if a child grows up feeling overlooked, they might form a private logic that says, “I must be the best or I’ll be invisible.” That belief might help them succeed academically or professionally — but it might also leave them feeling exhausted, lonely, or like they’re never enough.

Private logic is a creative solution to an emotional challenge — but it can become outdated as we grow.

Adler often pointed out that much of adult distress comes from continuing to use old private logic in new life situations where it no longer fits.

Why the Conflict Between Private Logic and Common Sense Matters

When our private logic clashes with common sense, we experience distress, misunderstandings, or relationship problems.

Let’s say your private logic says, “If I’m vulnerable, people will hurt me.” But your partner or friend wants deeper emotional connection. That clash creates conflict — not because one of you is wrong, but because your private logic is running the show.

Adler saw healing and growth as the process of bringing private logic into alignment with common sense. That means examining the beliefs you’ve lived by and asking: Are they true? Are they helpful? Are they still serving me?

This is one of the reasons coaching or counseling can be so transformational — it offers a safe place to uncover your private logic and gently challenge the parts that are keeping you stuck.

READ THE ABOVE SECTION AGAIN. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT STUFF! IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

How to Recognize Private Logic in Your Own Life

Here are a few clues that your private logic might be running the show:

1. You have recurring relationship conflicts that seem familiar, but you’re not sure why they keep happening.

2. You react strongly to certain triggers, even when you know your response is a bit “extra.”

3. You feel stuck, even though you’re working hard.

4. You use harsh self-talk and feel deep shame when you make a mistake.

5. You often feel like you’re on the outside looking in, or that you don’t quite belong.

If any of that resonates, you’re not alone. We all have private logic. It’s not a flaw — it’s human.

The goal isn’t to erase it. The goal is to update it.

So, How Do You Align Private Logic with Common Sense?

1. Notice Patterns
   Pay attention to where you feel frustrated, rejected, or not enough. These are often signs that private logic is whispering in your ear.

2. Ask Curious Questions
   What do I believe in this moment? Where did that belief come from? Is it actually true?

3. Talk It Out
   Sometimes just saying your private logic out loud — especially with a coach — makes it easier to spot how unhelpful it is.

4. Try the “Friend Test”
   Would I say this to someone I love? If not, why do I say it to myself?

5. Experiment with New Behavior
   Try behaving as if a common-sense belief were true. For example, what if you acted as if it’s okay to be imperfect? How might your day feel different?

Real-Life Example: Emily’s Story

Let’s say Emily grew up in a home where love felt conditional — she was praised when she succeeded but ignored when she failed. Her private logic became: “I must achieve to be loved.”

Now, as an adult, she’s a high-achiever who secretly fears that if she stops achieving, she’ll be worthless. This affects her work-life balance, her marriage, and her health.

In coaching, Emily begins to unpack this belief. She sees how it once protected her but now limits her. Over time, she starts replacing “I must earn love” with “I am worthy of love even when I rest.” That shift, from private logic to common sense, transforms her experience of life.

Why This Matters for Relationships, Growth, and Inner Peace

When we live by private logic, we’re often reacting to the past.
When we live by common sense, we’re choosing based on the present.

Adler believed that healthy living means moving from isolated self-focus (private logic) to social interest — a deep concern for contributing, connecting, and caring. It’s how we find meaning.

As coaches, one of the most powerful things we do is help people see the “invisible rules” they’ve been living by — and then rewrite them in ways that are compassionate, courageous, and wise.

Need Help Shifting Your Inner Story? We’re Here.

At Swies Life Coach, we specialize in helping individuals and couples recognize the outdated private logic that’s holding them back — and replace it with compassionate, clear-eyed, common-sense beliefs that promote healing and connection.

We bring decades of experience in transformational coaching, rooted in psychological wisdom and real-life application. Whether you’re facing personal pain, relationship strain, or just feel stuck in your story, we’re here to help.

Let’s talk.
Your private logic doesn’t have to run your life anymore.
Let’s align your inner world with the truth of your value, your potential, and your worth.

Schedule your first session today →

Should You Hire a Transformational Life Coach?

Let’s face it—life can be messy. It can be full of dreams and disappointments, goals and roadblocks, self-doubt and hope, sometimes all in the same day. If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and thought, “There’s got to be more than this,” you’re not alone. And that might be the exact moment when hiring a transformational life coach could change everything.

Now before you roll your eyes and imagine someone in yoga pants yelling affirmations at you, let’s clear something up. A transformational life coach is not your guru, not your therapist, not your cheerleader, and definitely not your boss. They’re more like your personal clarity partner—a mix of accountability, insight, and support—all focused on helping you step into the version of yourself you’ve been longing to meet.

What Is a Transformational Life Coach, Anyway?

A transformational life coach helps people make deep, meaningful changes in their lives. They don’t just help you organize your closet or wake up earlier (though they can help with that too). They help you explore your beliefs, patterns, and inner stories—those invisible scripts shaping your choices.

Think of your life as a garden. A transformational coach doesn’t just pull weeds or plant flowers. They help you understand the soil—what’s under the surface that needs attention, nourishment, or healing.

Why Do People Hire Transformational Coaches?

Most people hire transformational coaches when they hit a point where the old ways just aren’t working anymore. Some common reasons include:

• Feeling stuck in life or unsure how to move forward

• Going through a major transition (divorce, job change, etc.)

• Wanting to reconnect with a sense of purpose

• Struggling with self-doubt or limiting beliefs

• Wanting to heal old emotional wounds

• Feeling overwhelmed or unfulfilled, even if life looks “fine” on the outside

It’s not just about fixing problems. It’s about creating aligned, meaningful change.

What Happens in a Coaching Session?

Each coach is different, but here’s a general idea of what you might experience:

1. Safe, Judgment-Free Space
   A space where you can be real, honest, and heard—maybe for the first time in a long time.

2. Clarity & Discovery
   Unpacking what you truly want, and what’s been standing in the way.

3. Tools & Practices
   Your coach might guide you through journaling prompts, visualizations, or mindset shifts.

4. Accountability & Action
   Transformation requires more than insight. Your coach helps you follow through with meaningful steps.

Common Myths About Coaching

“Only people with problems need a coach.”
Actually, many clients are already successful—but want to grow further, align more deeply, or break through limitations.

“Coaches just tell you what to do.”
Nope. A good coach won’t give you all the answers—they help you find them.

“I should be able to figure this out on my own.”
We all have blind spots. Hiring a coach is a sign of strength and commitment to growth.

Is It Worth the Investment?

Let’s be honest—coaching is an investment. But when you invest in yourself, the return can be life-changing. You’ll gain clarity, confidence, and connection with your true self.

Ask yourself:

• Am I ready to take responsibility for my growth?

• Am I open to being challenged and supported?

• Do I feel a calling toward something deeper or more meaningful?

If the answer is “yes,” it might be time.

How to Find the Right Coach for You

• Check their background: Do they have certifications, training, or a specialty area?

• Schedule a discovery call: Many offer free calls to explore compatibility.

• Trust your gut: Coaching is a personal process. Go with someone who feels right to you.

What Clients Often Say After Coaching

“I finally feel like I’m living my own life, not someone else’s.”

“I stopped playing small and went for what I really wanted.”

“I’ve never had someone listen to me like that before.”

“It feels like I’ve come home to myself.”

Does your life make you Jump For Joy?

Final Thoughts

So… should you hire a transformational life coach?

Only you can know that for sure. But if you feel a tug, an ache, or a whisper saying “It’s time”—listen.

You deserve to grow. You deserve to heal. You deserve to thrive.

If you’re curious, ask for a free, discovery phone call . There’s no pressure—just a safe space to talk and explore.

And if someone you love has been feeling stuck or searching for something more, please share this post with them. You never know what kind of transformation might begin with just one conversation.

Ready to create your new future?

Questions? Call or text us at 512-589-3422.

Should you hire a Certified Couples Coach?

Considering hiring a relationship coach?

How’s your relationship? Are you fighting all the time? Thinking of leaving him? Found out she had an affair? Not sure you can make a lifelong commitment? You’re in love but the marriage has stalled? Your mother, brother or best friend say dump ‘em but you’re not sure you want to end it? Consider a certified relationship coach to help you untangle the issues and teach you how to repair the relationship.

At Swies Life Coaching, we focus on building strong, loving relationships - all kinds of relationships.

What’s a “relationship” coach?

A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and work through tough times. Whether your goal is to repair and improve the relationship or to ease the transition while you both go new directions, a coach can facilitate the process and help each of you heal and move on with considerably less baggage.

So what does a great relationship coach do?

• Help you identify your desired outcome

• Listen and empathize

• Assist you in understanding how you got to this place

• Facilitate the healing process

• Encourage you to focus on your next step.

“A relationship coach has a unique vantage point to help you and your partner resolve issues and facilitate healing and transitions.”

At Swies Life Coach, our transformational coaching approach, focuses on the deep reasons for the decisions/choices our clients have made. Through discussion and insights, clients imagine their future path and we help with new skills that will assist them in achieving their goals.

In turn the client should

• Stay curious

• Set aside blame and opt for finding new ground

• Focus on healing self and learning more about who they are

• Be willing to come to the table for open and honest dialogue

• Be self-reflective with a vision of their goal for the relationship.

If your goal is to get the coach to side with you or “to win” or if revenge is your highest priority, you’re likely to be disappointed with your experience of working with a relationship coach. And, more importantly, you may be likely to repeat the patterns that got you into that unsatisfying relationship in the first place. To paraphrase, if you don’t understand your history, you’re doomed to repeat it.

“A great life coach is empathetic yet neutral and encourages the client to find their own answers.”

Maybe you’re not in a relationship currently but would like to understand yourself better, move beyond past hurts, gain a clearer perspective about your goals and vision for the future. A life coach can assist you to heal the past, enjoy the present and see future clarity.

OK, so a relationship coach is sounding pretty good to you. Now how do you go about finding one?

Location:

Decide if geographic location is important to you. If face-to-face sessions are a priority to you, obviously you’ll center your search around nearby coaches but include traffic and travel time into your choice. While there are certainly advantages to being able to see a coach in your neighborhood, I advise you to not make location your top priority. Our clientele overwhelmingly choose online sessions and we have clients from all over the country. Zoom provides an excellent experience without the stress of roundtrip traveling, parking, time from work, babysitting, etc. Most coaches (as we do) can accommodate the choice of the client. Online sessions also allow us to see our clients from all over the country,

Gender:

Again this is personal preference and you will need to decide how important it is in your decision. I caution you to consider your choices. Choosing the opposite sex may give you an entirely different perspective. For example, I know Skip is one of the safest men that women could possibly choose to help them work through trauma and personal issues (my personal bias is noted) and we acknowledge that it is critical for a client is dealing with trauma to feel safe. Keep an open mind about who you choose but most coaches offer some kind or get acquainted session and you take advantage of that. Trust your intuition about the coach. Sometimes you may need to meet with several coaches before making your choice. Bottom line is if gender/sexual orientation is important, by all means, make it a requirement for your short list.

Style:

I don’t mean fashion sense but the style they choose to interact with their clients. Coaches can be highly interactive, action-oriented, empathetic listeners. You might not realize how important this can be but consider “Sally” who grew up in a big family and may have had trouble “being heard”. It probably wouldn’t serve Sally to be with a headstrong talker - big on advice. Focus on a coach whose style will not fight yours and will allow you to internalize the feedback so you can move toward a positive result.

Certification:

A coach should be certified as a coach but might not have a license (like a social worker or psychiatrist). Experience is also important although new coaches in a partnership can suffice. Their bio should include enough info to determine whether they be on the short list.

Will the coach see couples individually as well as together? Are sessions in-person or zoom or combination? Does the coach focus on feedback or just listens? In return your coach will likely be asking about the nature of your relationship concerns and what outcome you are hoping to achieve. Depending on how this initial visit feels to you, you can schedule more appointments, consider other coaches, or think about it for a few days.

A life coach can be an empathetic, independent confidant that can help couples get through hard times and develop new skills to make their relationship stronger or to assist the individuals in separating and moving on in a supportive, positive manner.

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