How to Release the Grip of Guilt and Shame

Guilt and Shame: Why We Feel Them and How to Release Their Grip

Let’s talk about something almost all of us carry—guilt and shame.

They’re like invisible weights in a backpack we didn’t realize we were wearing. And we get so used to them, we sometimes mistake them for a part of who we are. But they’re not. Guilt and shame are emotions, not identities. And understanding where they come from—and how to release them—is a powerful step in any personal transformation journey.

So grab a cup of tea (or coffee, or whatever makes you feel grounded), and let’s dive in together.

First, What's the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?

They often show up hand in hand, but they’re not the same.

• Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”

• Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.”

That’s a huge difference. Guilt focuses on behavior—something that can be corrected or made right. Shame targets your identity, making you feel defective, unworthy, or broken.

Let’s say you forget your friend’s birthday:

• Guilt might make you feel bad and prompt an apology and a thoughtful gesture.

• Shame might whisper, “You’re a terrible friend. You always mess things up.”

“guilt moves you toward repair - shame leaves you stuck”

Why Do We Even Feel These Emotions?

You might be thinking, Why did nature even bother giving us guilt and shame? Great question.

From an evolutionary point of view, these emotions helped us survive in groups. Guilt helped us learn from mistakes and stay accountable to others. Shame was more like social glue—painful enough that we tried to avoid being rejected or cast out from the tribe.

But here's the thing—what was useful back then doesn’t always serve us now, especially when guilt or shame get distorted or chronic. Today, instead of nudging us toward growth, they often just hold us back.

Alfred Adler, an early 20th-century psychiatrist and one of the big names in psychology (he worked alongside Freud and Jung for a while), had some really powerful insights that help us understand guilt and shame in a new light.

Adler believed that our core motivation in life is a striving for significance and belonging. According to him, human behavior is largely driven by a desire to overcome feelings of inferiority and to feel connected to others.

In Adlerian psychology:

• Guilt can arise when we feel we’ve violated our internal values, especially those tied to our role in relationships or communities.

• Shame is rooted in early feelings of inferiority—moments when we concluded we were “less than” and internalized that feeling as part of our identity.

Adler emphasized that mistakes are opportunities for growth and that people are capable of change, always. His student, Rudolf Dreikurs, carried this forward by saying, “We cannot protect children from experiencing mistakes. Our task is to teach them how to learn from their mistakes.”

This is key: guilt and shame don’t have to be prisons. They can be teachers—if we know how to listen and then release.

Where Guilt and Shame Come From

Let’s look at where these emotions often get their roots:

1. Childhood Messages

Many of us learned early on that love was conditional. Maybe we were told we were “bad” for expressing big emotions. Maybe we were shamed for not performing well, or guilted for not meeting adult expectations. Over time, we internalized these experiences into core beliefs like:

• “I’m not enough.”

• “I’m too much.”

• “It’s my fault.”

And guess what? Shame thrives in silence. If you weren’t allowed to express or process these experiences, they can sit quietly in the background for years—until something triggers them.

2. Cultural or Religious Conditioning

In some cultures or belief systems, guilt and shame are used as tools to control behavior. “Don’t bring shame to the family,” or “God is watching you,” can create an atmosphere where guilt isn’t a guide—it’s a punishment.

3. Perfectionism

If you have high standards for yourself (or others have for you), you’re more likely to carry guilt and shame when you inevitably fall short. That little voice says, “You should know better,” or “You’re never going to get it right.” Ouch.

How Guilt and Shame Show Up in Your Life

These emotions can wear a lot of disguises. You might not even recognize them at first glance.

• Procrastination (fear of not doing it “right”)

• Overachieving (trying to earn worth)

• Avoiding intimacy (fear of being “seen”)

• Harsh inner critic (self-punishment)

• People-pleasing (fear of rejection)

They can even cause physical symptoms like fatigue, tension, or chronic pain. The body remembers what the mind tries to bury.

So, How Do We Release Guilt and Shame?

This is the golden question. And there’s good news: it is possible.

Here are some steps that can help:

1. Name It to Tame It

Awareness is the first step. Ask yourself:

• Am I feeling guilt (about something I did)?

• Or shame (about who I think I am)?

Get curious. When did this feeling first show up in your life? What story are you telling yourself?

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion is a game-changer here. Instead of harsh self-talk, try this:

• Mindfulness: Acknowledge your pain without over-identifying with it.

• Common humanity: Remind yourself that all humans make mistakes.

• Kindness: Talk to yourself like you would to a friend.

Use encouragement over punishment. People flourish when they feel seen, capable, and loved—not shamed into submission.

3. Make Amends if Needed

If your guilt is about something you actually did, and you can make it right—do it. Apologize. Repair. Learn.

Guilt can be a gift when it invites us into accountability. Once the repair is made, though, let it go. You don’t have to punish yourself forever. That’s shame sneaking in again.

4. Challenge the Narrative

Whose voice is in your head when you feel shame? A parent? A teacher? An old partner?

Ask yourself:

• Is this belief actually true?

• Is it helpful?

• Is it mine?

You get to rewrite your story. Shame may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t get to define your future.

5. Seek Safe Connection

Shame is a disconnecting emotion. It tells you to hide. But healing happens in connection.

Whether it’s a therapist, coach, or trusted friend—talk to someone. Let yourself be seen. As Brené Brown says, “Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy.”

6. Live with Integrity

Living in alignment with your values is one of the most powerful ways to reduce guilt and shame over time.

When your actions m-atch your heart, there’s less space for regret. And if you stumble, remember: Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone can grow.

Living Without Guilt and Shame Doesn’t Mean Living Without Accountability

Let’s be clear: releasing guilt and shame doesn’t mean you become careless, selfish, or irresponsible. Quite the opposite.

It means you hold yourself with truth and compassion. You take ownership when necessary, but you don’t marinate in self-loathing. You make things right, and then you keep moving forward.

This is what transformational coaching is all about—not just changing behaviors, but changing the inner lens through which you see yourself.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken

Here’s what I want you to know, deep in your bones:

You are not broken.
You are not beyond repair.
You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done.
You are not the cruel words someone once spoke over you.

You are human. Beautifully, vulnerably, imperfectly human.

And you are worthy of love and belonging as you are—guilt, shame, and all.

Let this be the beginning of a lighter journey.

Want to keep going? If guilt and shame have been constant companions in your life, you're not alone—and you don't have to stay stuck. A transformational coach such as the coaches at Swies Life Coach can help you explore, release, and rebuild. Reach out when you're ready, better yet, reach out NOW! 512-589-3422

You don’t have to carry this forever.