Seeing and Being Seen
One of the 10 Keys of a Strong, Loving Relationship
Have you ever had a moment when someone looked at you—not just looked at you, but really saw you? Maybe they noticed your hard work when no one else did, or they acknowledged how much you were struggling beneath the surface. That feeling, that “I see you” moment? It’s powerful. It’s validating. It can be healing. And it’s something we all crave more than we realize.
In this world that’s increasingly digital, fast-paced, and often superficial, one of the most important things we can do for each other is this: see and be seen.
One of the least considered but most fundamental needs we encounter as human beings is the need to be seen - to be acknowledged, to matter, to have others look beyond the superficial public face and connect to the real being inside.
The phrase “seeing others and being seen” doesn’t roll off the tongue easily but it is monumentally important.
Why “being seen” matters more than you think
‘Being seen’ describes what happens when we look past the superficial pretense - the game face, the clothes, the make-up, the facade - we all create because we believe it is necessary for us to be accepted.
(Image by Gerd Altman Pixabay)
Humans are wired for connection. We’re social creatures, born to bond, empathize, and build community. But it’s not just about being surrounded by people—it’s about being recognized by them. When we feel seen, it reinforces our sense of identity, worth, and belonging.
Psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the founding figures of humanistic psychology, talked about the importance of unconditional positive regard—essentially, being accepted and acknowledged for who you are. That kind of deep acceptance, that recognition of your inner world, builds self-esteem and fosters psychological growth.
In fact, research shows that being seen and understood by others can literally change the brain. A 2014 study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that being validated activated the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain linked to self-worth and reward. In other words, when someone sees us and validates our experience, our brains treat it like a gift. It’s not fluff—it’s neuroscience.
The Invisible Pain of Not Being Seen
If being seen is powerful, then not being seen can be deeply painful.
Have you ever shared something personal with someone only to have them brush it off? Or worked tirelessly on a project, only for it to go unnoticed? That feeling of invisibility isn't just disappointing—it can be soul-crushing.
When people don’t feel seen, they often feel unimportant or excluded. And that can have serious mental health implications. According to a study from Perspectives on Psychological Science (Cacioppo & Hawkley, 2009), chronic loneliness and social disconnection are associated with higher levels of depression, anxiety, and even physical illness.
So, when we talk about being seen, we’re not talking about ego. We’re talking about emotional survival.
Choosing to be invisible
How and WHY might a person decide to not to be seen? To try to be invisible?
Experiences will occur (often in childhood) that involve humiliation, helplessness, failure, loss among other emotions that will cause a child to subconsciously choose to emotionally hide in order to protect themselves from future trauma and negative experiences.
So if a child, in order to avoid the feeling of embarrassment or being overpowered lives his/her life by flying under the radar, that child is likely missing out on positive experiences that would boost their confidence and self-image as well as opportunities to contribute to society. A loss for them and for us.
Seeing Others: The Gift We Often Overlook
Now, let’s flip the script: how often do we really see the people around us?
Think about your coworkers, your family, your partner, your friends. It’s easy to fall into autopilot—exchanging polite greetings, talking about the weather, scrolling on our phones during dinner. But beneath that surface, every single person has a story. They have worries, dreams, struggles, and triumphs.
And they’re hoping—just like you—that someone will notice.
The act of truly seeing someone goes beyond the surface. It means noticing the quiet kid in class who always shows up but never speaks. It means complimenting a friend not just on their outfit but on their resilience. It means checking in on a coworker who seems “fine” but might not be.
These small moments of recognition can change someone’s day—or their life.
How to Change the Path
So how do we build a world where people feel seen, heard, and valued - a culture of visibility?
It starts small. Here are a few practical ways to see and be seen more intentionally:
1. Practice Active Listening
We’ve all been in conversations where someone’s clearly waiting for their turn to speak rather than really listening. Try to be different. Ask open-ended questions. Reflect back what you hear. Be present. People notice when you're truly tuned in.
2. Acknowledge the Effort
Whether it's a child trying hard in school or a friend balancing work and personal life, recognizing someone’s effort—especially when it's behind the scenes—can be deeply meaningful. A simple “I see how hard you’re trying” goes a long way.
3. Give Specific Compliments
Generic praise is nice, but specific recognition hits differently. Instead of saying “You’re great,” try “I really admire how calmly you handled that stressful situation.” It shows you’re paying attention.
4. Use People’s Names
It might sound small, but using someone’s name in conversation shows attentiveness and respect. According to Dale Carnegie in his classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language.”
5. Create Space for Stories
Sometimes we just need to slow down and give people room to open up. Ask deeper questions like, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something you’re proud of that no one noticed?” You might be surprised by what you learn.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
In today’s world, loneliness is at an all-time high. A 2023 survey by the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health epidemic. Even as we become more digitally connected, many of us feel more emotionally isolated than ever.
We’re sharing highlight reels online but hiding our real struggles in everyday life. We’re talking, but not really connecting. And that gap? It can only be bridged through presence, empathy, and intention.
Feeling seen isn’t about being in the spotlight. It’s about being in someone’s heart. It’s about knowing that your inner world matters to someone else.
And making someone else feel seen? That’s one of the most generous acts you can do.
A Deeper Kind of Community
Communities thrive not just on proximity or common interests, but on mutual recognition. When people feel seen in their neighborhoods, schools, churches, or workplaces, they show up differently. They participate more. They trust more. They give more.
According to community psychologist David McMillan, one of the four elements of a healthy community is recognition and emotional safety. People need to feel that who they are—and what they bring—is noticed and appreciated. It’s not just a nice-to-have. It’s essential.
Final Thoughts: Who Are You Seeing?
So here’s a gentle challenge:
Who in your life might feel invisible right now?
Who’s quietly carrying a burden?
Who’s doing amazing things with no applause?
See them. Acknowledge them. Tell them.
And while you’re at it, reflect on whether you feel seen in your own life. If not, it’s okay to ask for that kind of presence from others. It's okay to say, "I need to be seen."
We often underestimate the impact of a kind word or a moment of presence. But for someone else, your attention might be the thing that turns a hard day into a hopeful one.
Let’s choose to be more intentional with our presence. Let’s build a culture—starting with ourselves—where people don’t just exist next to each other, but truly see one another.
“Because at the end of the day, we all want to know: Do you see me? Do I matter to you?
And when the answer is yes, it changes everything.”
The transformational coaches at Swies Life Coach can help you on your journey to be seen - really seen. Call or text us at 512-589-3422 to set up an appointment.