How A Good Dad Changes A Daughter’s Life
Sometimes staying dry isn’t the most important thing
The Difference a Dad makes
There’s something deeply reassuring about the presence of a kind, attentive father in a daughter’s life. A dad who shows up - emotionally and physically - offers a special kind of safety that can’t be easily replaced. In contrast, a daughter who grows up with a neglectful, abusive or absent father often carries an invisible weight, even long into adulthood. An absent father includes instances when a father leaves the family by choice or because of divorce or dies.
Let me be clear, I am not blaming or simplifying the many complex reasons why fathers may fall short. I am writing to honor what happens when a daughter is well-fathered and gently exploring what can unfold when she isn’t.
At Swies Life Coach, our clients who are also fathers, appear all along the “Dad” spectrum from saint to non-present. Many, however, wish their relationships with their daughters were stronger, deeper. Most have no clue how to make that happen. That’s where we come in.
What Exactly Does Well-fathered Mean?
It’s about having a father who is consistently present, respectful, emotionally attuned and protective without being controlling. A well-fathered daughter grows up believing she matters - because someone important consistently treated her like she did.
Alfred Adler, the renowned Austrian psychiatrist, emphasized that all people seek to belong and feel significant. He believed that children thrive when they feel connected and valued within their families. When a father shows his daughter that she is valued, respected and capable, she internalizes that message.
As Rudolf Dreikurs, Adler’s student and a pioneer in parenting and discipline, put it: “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.”
And it has an impact on all parts of daughter’s psyche. Let’s consider a few.
Self-Worth and Identity
From a young age, a daughter looks into her father’s eyes and learns who she is. When those eyes are warm, curious and proud, she begins to understand that she is worthy. When she struggles with insecurities, as we all do from time to time, she can rely on a foundation of worthiness while she recenters her compass and looks forward.
However, a daughter with a distant, cruel or missing father often spends years trying to answer a core question “Am I enough?” She may seek affirmation in achievements or perfectionism looking for that single event or person that can validate her existence.
Adler noted that feelings of inferiority are part of the human condition. The key is how those feelings are managed. Does the child (and then the adult) use such occasions to serve as motivation to grow and keep trying or are they evidence of a persistent, painful sense of inadequacy?
Relationships with Men
Having experienced a respectful and safe male presence, a well-fathered daughter has a template for what love can look like. She may be more likely to recognize red flags and instead choose partners who treat her with dignity. She may still face heartaches - as we all do - but she’ll be better equipped to leave unhealthy relationships to seek nurturing ones. She is likely to also realize that the breakup is not because she is inherently flawed, unlovable or unworthy.
For a neglected and/or abused daughter, love and pain are often entwined. She may feel she has to “earn” the love she gets or she simply isn’t worthy to be in a loving relationship. These daughters may find themselves choosing neglectful or abusive partners and even sabotaging a relationship if the partner exhibits healthy relationship habits.
Confidence and Ambition
When a supportive father encourages his daughters ideas, praises her effort, listens to her opinions - a daughter learns that her voice matters. She’s more likely to participate fully in her world. Adler said “encouragement fosters the courage to face life’s problems.” Without that encouragement, she may doubt her abilities or not try at all. A critical father can crush a daughter’s willingness to expand her horizons.
Emotional Resilience
Emotional safety is important for everyone. A supportive father doesn’t shame tears or demand “walk it off” toughness. Modeling how to handle feelings in a healthy, grounded way will show his daughter that feelings and processing through the strong emotions is the best way to handle hard times.
Without emotional regulation, a neglected or abandoned daughter may choose to bottle up or suppress her emotions and either learn to numb herself completely or explode without warning.
So What do we do NOW?
Whether you are the daughter of a supportive father who was consistently by your side, lending an ear, cheering you on or still trying to heal the wounds of an absent or cruel father, your destiny is not carved in stone.
Healing is possible with counseling, intentional self-reflection and practicing new helpful skills a wounded daughter can learn to live fully in spite of her trauma.
Fathers can grow and begin to repair relationships and be supportive in positive ways. Even the most strained relationship can transform.
Other father figures matter and powerful, positive support can come from coaches, mentors, uncles, etc.
Daughters can re-parent themselves with new skills and often the help of a coach, a woman can nurture the neglected parts of herself and become the encouraging voice she never heard.
Adler reminds us that we are not victims of fate - we are not doomed to go through life poorly fathered. Although we are shaped by our experiences - we are also the shapers of our lives and the writers of new endings to old stories.